sixes and sevens

Posted on July 13, 2011 by carla

Today I find myself at sixes and sevens, so I thought I might as well be honest about it.  I actually feel anxious, and haven’t really in a while.  But I know it needs to work itself out.

Life is about change, right?  I get that, but I have to say I have had so much change that today life just feels overwhelming.

A lot of these feelings are working their way to the surface as I write a pitch for a magazine to see if they will take me and all my scribbling glory.

I look around at my friends with their lives, marriages, children.  They have been at it so long, they make it in some cases look effortless, which I know couldn’t be further from the truth.

I always had the instincts of a nester.  I suppressed those instincts for years.  I let them finally surface in my last relationship and they were kind of taken advantage of.  It’s hard to accept and acknowledge that in the past, I was in essence the cow that gave the milk for free – what every mother warns her daughter against.  I am so grateful I am out of that relationship, but it hurt, and since I got my diagnosis, on occasion, it haunts me.   Part of me wishes I could have had the opportunity to tell that jackass face to face he was a jackass, but as he was too much of a coward to ever discuss what he did, I had to put a period on the end of that sentence for myself.  But I know that I am a bigger and better person then all of this and not the one who will be perpetually stuck in their head, and in time these residual tremors will fade.  God did me a favor, but I know I have to acknowledge this crap in order to completely put it behind me.    And truthfully, I am not angry.  I just think about it sometimes.  And given who I have in my life now, I am annoyed with myself that this crap creeps into my brain.

I have been that cow in the workplace too, and want that no more. 

But it’s the getting to where you want that is just so much easier if you are a character in a work of lierary fiction or a made for T.V. movie.  The reality of all this is that the getting there is a lot of work.  And trust me, I am willing to put in the work, and I can visualize the end result.  Yet I find self-doubt.  And this morning I am almost irrationally fearful.

I think I have faced this whole breast cancer thing remarkably well, and am taking the steps to better my life in other ways.  Yet I am anxious and I am tired.  Am I tired because I am anxious?  Or am I just tired because of everything that has gone on? Am I just being weak or alternately too hard or demanding on myself?

I have to admit that right now I am envious of my friends who are stay at home moms.  I realize that being one is indeed a full-time job, but they have this sense of place of where they belong.  Heart and head.  I know where I belong with my heart, and that is a certainty I have.  But my head is a little unsettled as I try to work it all out and work through things towards my desired result.  And truthfully, it is the addition of breast cancer that has thrown me in to a bit of a swirl some days.  I wish I could just afford to take six months off and just be.  And saying that makes me feel really guilty.  But the financial reality is I cannot do that. And well, the way my head works I might only last two months doing  that.

You all, (my friends, family, and sweet man) have been so patient with me and I hate feeling anxious and dare I say, needy.  It doesn’t sit well with me.   One of the hardest things about all of this is realizing that you do have to just let go some days, not over think, and not be afraid to depend on people or fear owing people so much that one might never repay. 

I sound ungrateful, and I am not.  I am grateful.  It’s just hard some days.    And again, I am dealing with so much at once.

So I am going to end this post with my favorite poem by Robert Frost and a prayer in thanks dedicated to all of  are helping me through this.  I have so many blessings in all of you, and day by day, inch by inch the rest of it will right itself.  After all, there are people in my life whom I love who have lost so much more and handled it with amazing grace – literally.

I am o.k. – no worries my friends.  It’s just that in   real and unvarnished  not made for T.V. life some days are going to make you feel at sixes and sevens. And some days it is just hard for me to have the faith in myself that all of you have in me.

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

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the hospital bill cha-cha-cha

Posted on July 12, 2011 by carla

Breathe.

I was warned about the itemized hospital bill.  Truthfully, I did not expect it to be wrong.

I know, I know what the hell was I thinking?

Surprise number one: they charged me close to $200 for a pregnancy test.  Hello???? I have never been able to conceive, AND  it’s all over every freaking file in the hospital system—I have been in the same hospital system since I was 19 years old.  

 I find it damn amusing that you can buy a home test for what? $20 or less?  Having spent my entire life as being reproductively challenged I find this almost a nasty smack in the face as well as a waste of money.  But what the hell, it’s only my insurance costs, right? 

Surprise number two: they actually tried to charge me my $450 co-pay a second time.  Unfortunately for them I still had my receipt from day of surgery.  I reminded them about the pre-surgery shake down at 6 a.m. I had to wait on hold in auto lady voice hell for 20 minutes to accomplish this.   But I did it. No co-pay groundhog day for me.

So yes, you all can say I told you so now.  And many thanks to all of you who advised me to go over it line by line by line….

Grrrr……

 

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the next phase scheduled…(sort of)

Posted on July 12, 2011 by carla

O.k. so I got the official “all clear” from my medical oncologist – yes it is officially official — the girl needs no chemo. 

So I have scheduled my next meet and greet with the radiation oncologist.  At that appointment I expect to get my radiation tats and get fitted for the machine and set up my schedule.  I am antsy about this and the idea of allllllll those co-pays terrify me….and I have visions of being like a glow in the dark night-light.  But I keep reminding myself that it’s just 7 weeks.  But then I start 5 years of Tamoxifen and instant menopause just add water.  Any of you out there reading who have had to take Tamoxifen? I would like to hear how you find it. 

Onto the rest of life. 

Without sounding extraordinarily ungracious and hopefully not offending people, sometimes when I hear “I know how you feel” it is akin to nails on a chalk board.   Seriously, you really don’t unless you are dealing with a life crowded by breast cancer. 

Other things?  I am really sensitive to smoke in confined spaces now, so please be so kind as to refrain from that.  And along those lines, I am incredibly heat sensitive now for some reason, so pardon me if I don’t find it delightful to be outside of air-conditioning except in the cool of the early morning and after the sun has gone down.   I think this goes with the whole “I feel like I smell thing” – which incidentally is improving.  And of course I know the next seven weeks are going to suck big time since I am supposedly banned from deodorant during radiation.  I think the doc and I will have to have a chat about that since I am not crystal clear if this is what is medically necessary, or what she prefers.

My weight is down because I am back to walking, although not as far as I was pre-surgery. I find I still sort of tire easily.

Post-surgery I still find myself oddly emotional at times and a big thank you for putting up with me goes to that sweet man in my life.  I don’t refer to him or our relationship often on this blog because it feels oddly personal, which may be utterly ridiculous since I am sharing my journey with breast cancer with all of you.   But seriously, this guy is nothing short of amazing and I am so damn lucky and happy to have him in my life and to be building something with him.    It is so awesome to be in a real relationship not with a human version of a push-me/pull-you.  

Work continues to be liking poking needles in my eyes, this week’s latest thing is although I am a professional woman, Simon Legree has decided that employees are to do weekly time cards.  I asked if I was working in McDonald’s.   It continues to be a wonderful impetus to get the hell away as this is just the latest to try to create fearful and submissive employees.   He’s barking up the wrong tree with me – I have had to face the C word (i.e. breast cancer), so it’s all uphill from there. 

I still am amused at the thunderous silence which continues to surround the post I wrote about wanting new work opportunities and not to be a little bitch about it, but there are quite a few of you out there whom I have helped over the years, and even some non-profits who have milked this cow for free.  Here’s the 411: when I helped you I did it because it was the right thing to do.    Here’s hoping you decide to pay it forward like I did.

I have started taking photos again, I mentioned that.  I will resume seconding a professional photographer here and there at the end of the month and am quite excited, and have decided to once again be an exhibiting photographer for August’s First Friday Main Line .  Artistically I am going to take more of a chance and go for the funky.  And the pieces will be available for sale – I have co-pays to think of for the next 7 weeks, after all.

Life has been a challenge of late, but I am getting through.   One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.  Maybe I am just stubborn, eh?

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yes, sublimely ridiculous

Posted on July 7, 2011 by carla

Today I have another follow-up with my breast surgeon for my second post-op appointment and I am still waiting for my oncologist to say yes he has read my oncotype report.  Today is also one of those disgustingly hot,hot,hot July days where even the bees are feeling lazy.

So this morning as I was walking my dogs, this quasi careening older Mercedes-Benz went by me on the road.  Instead of stopping at the stop sign, once again as I had seen many times before, this car just sailed on through, turning and not even signalling.  And damn I know who the broad (and she is an old broad) is who is driving.   She’s not a close personal friend, more like a temporary transient.  It’s the wife of this guy who is renovating a shit hole of a house in my neighborhood – a “family” home that sat and rotted for at least a decade with people in it, but hey, that’s another story.

As I wander farther up the road I see the woman removing cheap perennials from her car and decided that yes today I was finally going to ask her if she would kindly stop at the stop signs in the neighborhood.  Sounds easy enough, right?

So I say “May I ask you a small favor?”

“You can ask me a large favor” she replies magnanimously.

“Ok, well… would it be too much to ask you if you could remember to stop at the stop signs in the neighborhood as we have a lot of people on foot and small children?”

“I always stop at the stop signs” she says in a voice that has changed tones to one that sounds remarkably like soothe the pet parakeet.

“No ma’am you did not just now, and have not for months” I replied.

“You should be nice to me and treat me with respect” she says and continues with “after all I am fixing up this house for your neighborhood”

Alrighty at this point I have had enough and say “Ok Princess Di, so your potential profit margins on flipping a house has nothing to do with it?”

“You should treat me with respect” she says

“Respect is earned. All I am asking is that you stop at the stop signs” I reply

Well then Princess Di went off on a tangent reverting to broad status (my grandmother always said breeding would tell), and proceeds to follow me up the street yelling at me. She finishes her tirade with “I am going to call the police and tell them you are harassing me” at which point I turned and smiled and said that not to put too fine a point on it, but if she wanted to make a case for that she would have had to have stopped talking  15 minutes ago and not followed me up the street yelling when I was no longer saying a word and just walking.

She said something else about something, something ungrateful and I turned and said to her softly with a smile on my lips that when she called the police to make sure that she told them that one of the women in the neighborhood with breast cancer asked her politely to stop running the stop signs.

That actually shut her up. 

I don’t know , but some days, this whole having breast cancer has made me completely intolerant of idiots.  I mean really?  Was she renovating this house just for moi? If I had known I would have requested she remove the asbestos siding not paint it baby’s diaper bag yellow.

See, I told you it was sublimely ridiculous. 

 

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the waiting IS the hardest part and other tales….

Posted on July 5, 2011 by carla

Ok so yes, I spoke to my medical oncologist right before the holiday weekend (and he called me within half an hour of getting my e-mail asking him to look at oncotype results).  So yes, I am waiting for him to read it – realistically I am not his only patient and if the end result = no chemo for me, well then I can chill a few days for his thoughts.

Yes, I want to be able to call the radiation oncologist and go get my mini tats for radiation and get fitted to the machine and git r’ done, but I have to chill a little.

So my darling support team, I have no answers yet.  But I am sure I will in a couple of days.  I have posted a lil’ Tom Petty to get us through.

I am feeling better, and I have to tell you about this ad I answered.  It  was for in essence one of those store front privately run ultrasound places.  Now I know from co-pays these things ain’t cheap…only these people wanted to pay someone about $7 bucks an hours to do all this office stuff (and oh yesss …”tidying” up of the office).   When I found out, I was kind of like “uhh no thanks and you are seriously underpricing this job”. I resisted the urge to say while I might do windows, I didn’t do toilets.   They also wanted someone completely bilingual (I am not and don’t pretend to be).

So this nutter of a woman basically tells me I have got some nerve to question the “salary” and am… wait for it….ignorant.  Now that “ignorant”  word when slung this way is of course is and always will be the last fallback of the truly classless….and stupid. 

I am sorry, but that is crap.  You want a quality candidate, don’t act offended if quality candidates say no thanks to indentured servitude – and given the cha ching these indie imaging places seem to make around here, truly the ignorant ones are these people who want to take advantage of people who need work in a crappy economy.

Seriously, this broad said to me in writing (and I quote):

My point is, the economy is bad, and you have NO right to judge us.  We all need to be very thankful for what we have and to realize that there are some that are just struggling to get by and would love to have this position.  (Oh yes, and I did fill it just a few day later with someone who is super qualified and grateful.)  It may be a good idea for you to step down off your pedestal, as you never know what you could be passing up without giving things a chance.

Step down off my pedestal?  Really? Just because I want to make a quasi-living wage and be able to pay my bills, including left over billing from medical expenses which are driven up undoubtedly by the games people like this play? 

Lady, you don’t know from thankful.  I have looked breast cancer in the face and you can kiss my shrinking derrière.  Yes, it is a bad economy, and employers like you make it worse.  And yes, I do indeed know what I would be passing up: indentured servitude and potential debt.   No thanks.

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some days a girl just wants to dance……

Posted on June 30, 2011 by carla

YAY!

Can I say YAY?!

“What is she talking about” you all are thinking, right?  I have not gone round the bend, I am just so happy I could dance in the middle of the street and what a sight THAT would be let me tell you!

Ok, ok, I will tell you.  My surgeon of the uber cool shoes and ladylike and super fab jewelry called.  She is my 4:15 gal on Thursdays it seems.

Wait for it…come on…wait for it.  The oncotype is back and it’s low, I think she said 10 score on the scale.

So that means low recurrence probability (not that anything is set in stone once you get the big C), and hopefully that means NO chemotherapy.

Please keep all fingers and toes crossed, continue all prayers, chants, turning of glasses upside down, etc until my medical oncologist weighs in.

But no matter what, can I just say YAY?! (And thank you God for yet another gift)

Southern Barb, here’s hoping I have a hall pass on the chemo Brazilian, ya know?

Over and out.

 

 

 

 

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the post with no name

Posted on June 30, 2011 by carla

I don’t really know what to call this post, so it is the post with no name.  I ran into a neighbor who I don’t see all the time and they told me about someone they know who is struggling through breast cancer – as in really struggling and their stage is lower than my stage 2. 

Apparently this woman is probably using the same radiation oncologist and possibly even had my surgeon.  I know my neighbor is giving this woman my blog address. 

So here’s a little shout out to this woman.  I don’t know who you are, and I can’t tell you how to feel, but I will tell you if my cancer was at the even lower stage yours is, I would be learning how to do cartwheels again – it’s a really good thing. 

I know you are checking out support groups, and have discovered the one you are in is full of a lot of really depressed women who seem to be bringing you down.  All I can say is everyone’s cancer is different, and maybe this is not the support group for you.  You have to concentrate on your own healing and not be everyone else’s emotional breast cancer empath.   Maybe you just can’t handle that right now. 

Conversely, if you are comfortable with that support group in spite of the composition of it, tell those women how they are making you feel – to me that is part of the process. And please, don’t feel bad if you are not feeling exactly what they are feeling.  You are you and they are them. And if they can’t be supportive of you trying to express how you feel, find another support group. Or check out a therapist – maybe a some tune-ups one on one would be more to your liking.

Wherever your surgery was you have a nurse navigator with resources.  Use them.  I know how easy it is to get depressed over all this – it’s utterly overwhelming at times.   But look, we’re a long time dead and we have our lives.  Look forward – we can’t undo what is done, but we can move forward.  You are not alone. I don’t know you, but I get it and I wish you the best – you can do it.  Some days none of us feel we can, but we can.

In that vein, early this morning, when the dew is on plants and the earth and sky are still except for the twittering of birds I found myself awake.  And I wanted to pick up my camera.  I haven’t had that urge since before my surgery.   So…I took a few photos.  Certainly not my best work, but to feel that urge to do something that so brings me pure pleasure was a little slice of awesome.

Today I am once again grateful for my doctors and  the love of my family and friends and especially one very special man I am fortunate to have in my life.

Today is another day, people.  Live it. And I can do this.  I don’t feel like that every day, so I think I need to remind myself.

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deflated is NOT defeated

Posted on June 29, 2011 by carla

Well, I received another reply from another publication asking me to write something in their prescribed guidelines and it would be reviewed by their editorial staff…so I will!

Now onto the title of this post – the funny thing about going through this is watching the changes in your body as a woman.  Not that the changes are funny as in “ha-ha”, but some days there is this weird sort of detachment as I literally look at things.  Today we have change.

Since my surgery my left breast has been swollen and sore. Sometimes painful.  But all watched over carefully by my docs and healing normally, whatever normal is because I am not quite sure some days. 

So today my 1 7/8 breasts are different.  The left one, where I had the surgery has decided to not be puffy any longer and is starting to deflate.  I found myself looking in the bathroom mirror at it this morning when I got out of the shower and I felt like I was back in 7th grade looking at the frog on the plank waiting to dissect it.

Wowwww…..look at that……it’s different…..it’s like the little balloon that got popped….so far not so dramatically deflated that I will start making pancake jokes to myself, but definitely different.

Still no oncotype back…really, I could do without the chemo.  Pray for the low-end of the scale.  I don’t mean to be a Big Baby, but chemo is a little freaky deaky for me. I will do it if I have to, only I don’t want to…does that make sense? I mean for christ’s sake the idea of glowing like a lightning bug from radiation for seven weeks is enough some days to think about, capice? 

I have a new blogger pal who has a blog titled tastethefireforyourself/ in the mercy seat – she articulates a lot of this much better than I at times.  Read her blog. She’s one cool chick and I think she deserves a shout out.   She is the one who has helped me get through a lot whether she realizes it or not.  Why?  Because her blog is just so damn honest.  She also had the courage to track the changes in her breast from biopsy thru surgery.

Onto other things breast cancer- what does everyone think about the FDA and the stand they have taken on Avastin?  I am a new kid on the block, and would love breast cancer gals to weigh in/and or their loved ones.

See:

CNN: FDA panel rejects arguments for cancer drug

Washington Post: Federal panel says cancer drug Avastin ineffective for breast cancer

Wall Street Journal:  Panel Votes 6-0 That Evidence Doesn’t Back Avastin Benefits

Time: Breast Cancer Survivors Plead With the FDA for Avastin

And other breast cancer news du jour?  Long Island Based breast cancer charity, Coalition Against Breast Cancer is being sued.   The State of New York says something like $9 million solicited in donations wasn’t really spent on “the cause”?  You know what?  There are a lot of great charities that actually DO help women, so look at them.  Don’t be turned off to breast cancer charities due to this story.

Final note?  I found that Women’s Day Magazine online has a spot from October 2010 that links to a few more breast cancer blogs.

Ok my peeps, my peeps…over and out.

 

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editorial commentary about my writing…my first rejection

Posted on June 29, 2011 by carla

So I have been submitting my writing samples to different publications.  I decided what the hell, I will submit this blog to a few to see what I get.  Here was the first response.  I am not sure that I agree 100% because what this editor does not know about me at this point is that I do write here and there and do get the occasional byline. 

And this isn’t just some random journal.

But I do appreciate the time they took to write to me. 

The funny thing is they interpolate a lot of my writing as angry and I overall I am not angry, but I am frustrated by the ups and downs of dealing with breast cancer in everyday life.  And it’s not so simplistic an issue that it should just be pared down to commentary on healthcare in this area, because it is more complex than that.  But maybe this editor even though a woman doesn’t get where I am coming from because she has never experienced the emotional tsunami that is breast cancer.  Because face it, I didn’t get it until I was in it.

And I will keep at it, because I do know I can write and I have something to offer.  And as for mentors – I actually do have professional writers who are mentors and they tell me (among other things) to write what I know.  This is currently what I know. So I will hone this craft, but I will be true to myself at the same time.  I have to be.  What I have to say is of no use to others if I do not.

Here is the feedback:

 I am going to give you an honest response to the question that you seem to be asking yourself a lot, why no one is paying you to write. 

Keeping a journal is much different than writing for a broader audience. I think you keep a good journal, but it seems more like the kind of thing I would read if I were your friend, or if I were undergoing the same sort of mind-bending, life-upheaving, unimaginable health crisis that you’ve been through. After reading 10 or so entries, I don’t feel as though I know you, personally. I feel as though you are justifiably angry about many things. I feel as though you are probably a brave person and probably doing your damndest to sort out what you’ve been through, emotionally. I feel that you could write a compelling and searing indictment of health care in this area, if you organized your thoughts.

 But as a reader, I don’t know what it is you are trying to say, and that is what makes the content difficult to apply to a diverse readership. I think that you will get the attention and possibly financial rewards you are looking for, when you arrive at that.

 As an editor, I can tell you that most editors are working under the same downsized, stressful conditions as everyone else, and do not have the time to hunt through a blog in search of something they can use. It’s like any other application process. Take a few of your best entries, polish them up to column length, and start submitting them, to newspapers, magazines, whatever. Do some research on the submission process, which varies from organization to organization. (For ex., some require queries, whereas some just want the full article submitted for possible acceptance/rejection). If that gets you nowhere, then you need to go back to your writing, and find a mentor who can give you honest, but constructive feedback. There is no one writing for even our small publications now, who has not gone through this process.

 I wish you continued health and much success.

 

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i will be positive

Posted on June 29, 2011 by carla

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.
– Eleanor Roosevelt

I will be positive.  I have my life.  The rest will settle out somehow.  I have put my feelers out to change my job and considering I have at least radiation and possibly chemotherapy ahead of me, some might think I am quackers doing this, but for my sanity, inner peace and health I must.

I receive no benefits, nor proper vacation or sick time.  I am a professional woman and some days I feel like I am in a 19th century sweat shop.

I deserve better.

I will not fear the unknown.  After all, I have now faced cancer. It’s all uphill from there, is it not?

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. – C. S. Lewis

Today is June 29th, the Feast of Saints Peter and Paul…also my late father’s birthday.  Happy birthday daddy, we miss you still.  I remember when I was younger, oh so much younger this was the time of year when I had my first trip abroad.  I was outside Strasbourg in a small village called Stutzheim on this day in summer of 1979.  Those memories have lasted this long and were extremely positive.  They will be my inspiration today…along with happy thoughts of a father who was pretty damn cool.

Go forth and smile, people.  It’s never too late to change the world….

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