out, out damn lump

Posted on June 1, 2011 by carla

Greetings from the land of pain management, this is Julie McCoy your cruise director. (Savor the moments people, because rarely am I so mellow.) 

 The news of the Rialto?

C’est comme ça: it’s out and the margins were hopefully clean and as foggy as I am, there is no road map under my arm pit, so the lymph nodes I believe are doing a happy dance. My surgeon left me a message when I was napping and said the outcome of the margins won’t be  truly definitive until the final word from pathology but we’ll just be thinking positively, o.k.?  She did say the nodes looked good, but added the pathology disclaimer…. The funny thing is I remember someone between recovery and the room they put me in saying the margins looked good.

The hospital was fantastic.  The getting up at 4:30 a.m. pretty much sucked, but I checked in at 6:00 a.m., they took me somewhere around 7 or 7:30 a.m. and an hour later? Voila!  Sayonara lump!

My blood pressure did kind of go on the high side when I hit the hospital, but I feel so different now – LOL the pain pill helps (which means this might not be one of my most articulate writing ventures).  My sweet man, my mother, and my Jewish mother kept me company.  And yes, I did go to church yesterday for a little check in, and one of my mumma’s sets of rosary beads came to the hospital and went home with my mother.

I have to be honest, after they took me into the day surgery staging place and stuck that mask on me, I remember nada.  The next thing I remember is waking up in recovery, then they moved me to a room for me to wake up before home. And snippets of conversation here and there.

One thing that sucks is the pain.  I have a very high pain threshold, got that from my father, and this hurts like a mother f-er.  Now it’s a la-la land kind of hurt…but it’s an ouch. (As was that co-pay from hell)  I think I still have my nipple.  Truthfully, I forgot to ask – so I won’t know until the bandages come off.

 More work ahead, but it’s out!!! It’s out, it’s out, it’s out!

Now let’s talk about Rite Aid.  After all, with them, it’s personal, right?  So I had to go in personally to get my meds.  They need to buy a clue when they leave someone who has just had surgery, said they just had surgery standing there at a counter  for like 10 minutes when there were 3 people free. They got super-duper crabby me on that since part of pain management is not being on my feet forever. I am rather peeved about that, and it was undoubtedly because the regular pharmacist wasn’t on today.

But seriously?  When I said to them not to be a bitch but I am just out of surgery and can’t be on my feet forever and am in pain, they did not exactly hop to.  Then I said it again – hello? I just had breast cancer surgery do you MIND?  And then it was another 20 minutes or so.  And while I was waiting I went up to the front to speak to the store manager.  And he says to me he can give me a number to call.  I looked at him like he had six heads.  I told him this was his store and that was his damned job. I mean, seriously, what wasn’t they did not get about the situation?  Grrr.

Ahh and something else I have been meaning to write about: bullshit Chevrolet. What up with Chevy who doesn’t think a community partner with LBBC (Living Beyond Breast Cancer) is important enough to deal with?  Chevy is some kind of community partner for them.  But is this partnership altruistic on the part of Chevrolet or self-serving?

I have to ask at this point, is  Chevy just using LBBC?

First Friday is June 3rd. The local charity for June is LBBC, and  this event  has a CAR parade in it.  First Friday  contacted Chevy to see if they would like to help some small way due to LBBC’s participation. Chevy gave short shrift. SHAME ON CHEVY. Heartbeat of America my ass.  As a matter of fact, the Chevy rep who spoke to the First Friday volunteer basically said something along the lines of what would they get out of it.

Seriously?  It’s a CAR parade and a charity they sponsor is involved.  And oh yes, other car manufacturers who have been involved in years past have actually sold cars because of this exposure.  I do the publicity for First Friday and normally the photography and when I got my diagnosis I asked specifically if LBBC could be involved even if I would be under house arrest so to speak and not there.    So as a woman with breast cancer, I think Chevy has a lot of nerve.  I am extremely personally offended as a matter of fact.  Maybe I am being silly, but it’s how I feel. And oh yes, I left two comments on their Chevrolet Teams Up with Living Beyond Breast Cancer page and both were deleted – they were respectful, albeit questioning, so I think it’s pretty clear that the only heartbeat Chevy is concerned with is its own.

So Chevy? Part of my pain management today is to tell the world I think you are a bunch of disingenuous turds. 

I am a foggy brain and a half.  But I am through the surgery and one step closer to getting through this.

I am going to bed now, people.   Je suis fatiguée

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calm…

Posted on May 31, 2011 by carla

O.k. people, just because you do not hear from me for a couple of days, it doesn’t mean I am on the edge of a cliff somewhere!  It means I am taking a break – same as I would do if I did NOT have breast cancer.

Went away for Memorial Day to a lake that was a little slice of heaven and left reality and breast cancer outside the gates.  Some very special friends of that very special man invited us away and I had a blast.  Relaxed, shot a million photos, enjoyed the happy sounds of children playing and so on.  Y’all should try it some time. 

We got back yesterday on Memorial Day and  we were back in enough time to go to my friend’s annual BBQ party.  It was awesome and the food was yummy !

So here I am in my good place and I finally had time this weekend to catch up with a couple of friends I had not connected with in a while, so it’s all good.

I’m good.  Yes I have my moments, but hello?  We’re all human beings on this bus of life, capice?  After all what am I supposed to do?  Stop living? No bloody likely.

We must all remain positive.  I am a realist, but I will be positive.  I have a cancer with a high cure rate so, dang it, that’s what I am ordering.  You all know I am spoiled and tenacious, so that is what I want.  And if you love me that is what you want for me too.   And stop the crap with the plastic surgeons.   If I need to go there, I will let you know.  These are my boobs, not yours.  Right now we’re all good as ourselves.

You must do the things you think you cannot do.
– Eleanor Roosevelt

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juggling

Posted on May 26, 2011 by carla

One of the things that you never really know what it is like until you are in it, is trying to juggle your 9 to 5 life with a breast cancer diagnosis.

When you get breast cancer you flip into a mode of appointments, appointments, and more appointments.  And unless you don’t have to work to sustain yourself, it means matching all those appointments with work.

Like many other breast cancer babes, I work.  I am a professional woman with real responsibilities.  I work in a man’s world, and that is a challenge in and of itself.

Learning the juggling  of getting the appointments in along with getting surgery and post surgery treatment scheduled is like having another full-time job.   Yet what choice do I have?  I have to pay my bills.

 I have really pushed the envelope of managed healthcare getting things scheduled in lumps to cause as little disruption as possible.  And at the end of some days, I still can’t escape the feeling of guilt that is completely wasted.  After all, I am one of those people with a work ethic.  I work hard, I don’t abuse the system.  And prior to this, I wasn’t someone who was either sick or took much time off.

But now I have to deal with that.  I have breast cancer, but I don’t feel sick, I don’t look sick, yet sometimes I feel like I have to look over my shoulder and worry when scheduling appointments that in essence will ensure I stay a healthy woman for years to come.  And why should I feel guilty? It’s not like I set out to have breast cancer.  It’s not like I am faking breast cancer.  Women who have children seem to be able to get time off to (a) have the babies and (b) deal with kid stuff.  Don’t deny it, it’s true. 

I used to work for a rather large corporation and women with kids did have preferential treatment, and by comparison even their corporate sponsored healthcare was a better value if you had kids.  When you were the one without kids you got last choice a lot of the time for holiday time off.  It was a penalty that was subtle in its unfairness and discrimination.  If you couldn’t have kids some of them looked at you like you were deficient.  We used to refer to it as spawn penalty.  It drove me batty, because I love kids, I just couldn’t have them, so why punish me? Why brand me with the scarlet “C” for childless?

So…. when women get sick in the workplace, as modern as society has become, do we really have a comfort level it will be all o.k.?  As of today I am not sure.  I just have a slightly uncomfortable feeling and I hope I am wrong.

I have to tell you I am really nervous about upcoming time out of the office.  I am worried.  What if something happens to my job?  After all I have heard and read about women who have gotten sick and come back to find the rug pulled out from under them.  Do men who get sick ever worry about these things?

Women have rights, so why do I feel we as women have to fight for them even when we say…get a breast cancer diagnosis?  Do they do this to men with say, prostate cancer?

But seriously?  All this juggling is nerve bending some days.  I am not trying to borrow trouble, but this is reality for many women: juggling, multi-tasking, worrying.

O.K. back to watching trash t.v.  Time to give the brain a rest – after all I am supposed to be reducing stress. But how the hell am I supposed to be the picture of zen 24/7 when there is so much to do and  so much to think about?  I want to be Wonder Woman but I think my golden lasso is at the dry cleaners today…

Sorry my peeps, it’s just been one of those days.

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is life a giant 12-step program?

Posted on May 25, 2011 by carla

As we reach a certain age, we can’t help but know (or have known) a few people in recovery, better know as AA.  That being said, I have wondered for some time if life is not just a giant 12-step program after all?

Does one stage in life prepare us for our next?  If we approach life as a giant 12-step program, is it easier to take it as it comes?  I am not in recovery, I am not in any 12-step program, except now I am wondering if in approaching life’s challenges, we all should consider it?

Call it food for thought, but I think the serenity prayer is multi-purpose.   I am not going super religious here, just thinking about stuff.  I looked it up and here it is:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.

Amen.

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a couple of clouds on a sunny day

Posted on May 25, 2011 by carla

Today is a weird one.  First there was the call from my surgeon’s office that they had not yet received my written surgery clearance from my primary care’s office.    So I called my primary care and said I don’t want to whine too loudly but if they want me all nice and calm for surgery then….end result?  My surgeon should have that today but I will follow-up in a couple of hours.

Next comes the not so happy part – my neighbor who is a wonderful woman is in the hospital.  I realized that all I had seen the past few days was this friend of hers who moved away a few years ago. Not her.

So I asked this friend of neighbor where the neighbor was.  “She’s in the hospital” she says.

“WHY????” I asked

“She has colorectal cancer that has metastasized and is getting in-patient chemo.” she says

Wow. Just wow. Where do I go in my head with this?  This neighbor is an absolute darling of a woman and that is just so unfair.

Of course I immediately think about the fact she is divorced, older, no kids, a brother who has some special needs, etc.  So I tell her friend a place to stop locally before she leaves town to pick up a pamphlet on driving services, etc – with chemo she will need it and as I enter into my own quest to rid myself of breast cancer, I know that I won’t be able to help the way I would if I could.

So her friend says to me “well can you talk to her brother about this?”

I looked at her and said “No I am sorry I can’t. Not right now.”

She looks at me  quasi-incredulously and asks “Why?”

I am thinking in my head “REALLY???”.   But I did not say that.  I told her I have breast cancer and have unfortunately my own things to deal with right now.

Lordy you would think I am the world’s most selfish person.  But I can’t.  I can’t take on anything new, especially that saps any kind of emotional energy that I need to store to heal.  I feel awful, but I really had to bite my tongue and ask her why she could not do this for her friend.

So I did call the non-profit to ask me to send their pamphlets to slide under my neighbor’s door.

I feel shitty that this is all I can do right now and I am very worried for her.  But I just can’t go there.  I can’t.  This news has hit me oddly enough as it is.  I really felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.  Is this how it is going to be from now on?  Every time in the near term I hear someone is sick or dying? Or has died?

Had that today too.  The hearing about someone dying.  Someone else I know who is an absolute love unexpectedly lost their sister last night. 

The fragility of life is very real, isn’t it? 

But in the positive column today, a woman I know whom I think is simply amazing called.  Another mutual friend told her what I was entering into and she called to say hello.  She also gave me more resources that I can tap into as needed.  I really needed to hear her calm and lovely voice this morning. 

So friends, that has been my morning.  A bit of a roller coaster emotionally.  But I am o.k.

God, you listening? Please help these other people in my world who are going through things?  Thanks, and thank you for helping me to keep my faith. 

I am really glad I am writing about this stuff.  It helps. 

It’s a sunny day, people.  Go outside and appreciate a little Mother Nature today.

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an irish blessing

Posted on May 24, 2011 by carla

Today they aren’t my words…they are words as old as the hills.  If any of you out there are having a bad day, may these words be a positive affirmation:

May God give you…
For every storm, a rainbow,
For every tear, a smile,
For every care, a promise,
And a blessing in each trial.
For every problem life sends,
A faithful friend to share,
For every sigh, a sweet song,
And an answer for each prayer.
– Irish Blessing

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the human element in breast cancer

Posted on May 23, 2011 by carla

Today was a crazy, quasi-rainy Monday.  A trip back to my primary care for another blood pressure check – and well, my blood pressure is a little high so I am on a beta blocker thingy at least for the short to near term.  (Of course every additional appointment close to surgery hypes me up more, I hope they take that into consideration – it’s not that I don’t like all entrusted with my care, because honestly I do, but nevertheless….)

After work when I was taking a walk I thought about some of the random people I have come in contact with since I was diagnosed.  Like the woman who felt the need to tell me her sister died of pancreatic cancer after being on tamoxifen.  Truly, I did not need to hear that. And besides, how does she know it was the tamoxifen? 

I ran into my new friend whom I made friends with when fate introduced us at the end of my driveway.  She is a remarkable woman and mother and I just think she is so nice.  I think she hits a year post surgery in a few weeks.  I like talking to her because she is just real and nice.  She gave me a tip when I hit the radiation stage – apparently corn starch becomes a girl’s best friend during radiation – it helps keep the area dry.  She told me something really cool – apply it with one of those large make-up brushes.  (Now there’s a tip I can use because I am hell with powder LOL.) She also told me to get myself some soft stretchy cotton camisoles.  I don’t know where to look, so those of you inclined towards tracking those down, let me know where you find some.

Then this evening as I was chilling out watching Antiques Roadshow, one of my sister’s friends called to check in.  They offered me some additional resources for keeping my knowledge base solid and options if I need them down the road.  I thought it was wonderful they did that for me, and also because they just listened.  Yes I know, I am sort of a one trick pony until I get through this, but the listening and encouragement are invaluable.  My sister has some truly amazing friends and I am blessed they like me enough to care. 

Because face it, I can be damn difficult.

But I guess being difficult is part of the human element, is it not?  Sometimes it’s the very edge in us that gets us through…or something like that.

Goodnight little monsters. Today was a pretty good day all in all.

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these are the days…

Posted on May 22, 2011 by carla

Woke up with Natalie Merchant in my head – “These are The Days”.  Love, love, love this song.

It’s Sunday already. The days fly by. 

Yesterday was one of those days again you just want to bottle – Good friends sunshine, grilling outside, firecrackers and then s’mores by the fire accompanied by the happy sounds of children laughing and playing.  It doesn’t get any better than that. 

And you see, those are the things that every woman should hang onto because when this disease wants to take you on a magical mystery tour, remember theses moments and it is amazing how good they are.

Happy Sunday people.  Go out and do something with people you care about.  Oh and incidentally, yesterday I had a great chat with the new priest in town who has taken over for one who retired.  Yes, me the slightly irreverent one still needs her Irish Insurance.  Apparently God and Father are o.k. with that, so it’s all good.

And people, it is…all good.  Breathe. And go read my second Patch scribble.  The first one is creeping up the charts of most read popularity…so somewhere, someone is reading…

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another friday is here…

Posted on May 20, 2011 by carla

Well it’s Friday and I am pleased to announce I have gotten through another week very well.    Hopefully I haven’t tortured or over-taxed all of you dear ones.

I am amazed at all the people finding this blog since I am not advertising it.  I am humbled by the kind thoughts of other women who are going through or have gone through what I am currently dealing with breast cancer whom I do not know.  The kind words and positive thoughts of strangers is really kind of special and I can’t thank all of you enough.   That strengthens my resolve to pay this goodwill forward as I am able.

Every day brings something new.  Now that I am cleared for surgery with the EKG, my primary care wants me back in the office next week to check on my blood pressure.  O.k. yes I am a bit of a stress monster now, but there is so much planning for this surgery in all areas of my life.   My paperwork has paperwork!

I am actually quite calm today and can’t wait to get this shit cut out of my breast and be done with it. Out, out damn spot! (Don’t think it’s what Shakespeare had in mind, but hell it fits)

I have had zero feedback on my other writing project, so perhaps there is no interest by that readership about the scribblings of a newly diagnosed breast cancer patient.  Either that or we aren’t supposed to say breast cancer out loud in some circles. 

And that is something which continues to amaze me.  Why are people sometimes so freaked out that I am just being open about this diagnosis?  It isn’t a dirty little secret, it happened and I have to deal with it.  And I have to deal with it on my own terms, not the terms of other people.    Maybe that is selfish, but I see it as positive self-preservation.

I am also meeting more people every day whom I never knew had breast cancer.  It figures that every single one have been some of the most amazing women I know.

So another week in the hopper, another day closer towards positive resolution, another day happy and loved.  I am a spoiled girl and thanks for being there and reading my flowing streams of consciousness!

My last word is a positive affirmation an old friend sent to me:

Stress is fear. I release all fear from my body.

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after an afternoon of breast cancer mardi gras: cleared for takeoff!

Posted on May 19, 2011 by carla

I am home…and exhausted.  My primary care did new EKGs…and guess what?  I am fine.  I am cleared for takeoff and nothing will hold up making the lump go bye-bye.

I had a lot of fun with the nurses and resident because the EKG machine was new and the computer gods had filled it’s wee printer with the wrong paper, so while I could get a fabulouso EKG we couldn’t print for a while.

They were laughing at me because I was cracking up at being there boobs hanging out for a change as they tried to make the sucker print.

I told them the same thing I told the MRI guy: I have flashed my boobs so many times in the past couple of months that I am living in a perpertual state of Mardi Gras…only instead of getting beads I get co-pays!

Seriously, I have flashed the rack so often that I could go to a topless beach right now.  The being naked thing in front of other people has just sort of evaporated in Breast Cancer Mardi Gras.

Say…I like that term .  It’s mine, you hear?  You can borrow it, not take credit for it.

The man in my world said in response to the EKG machine kerfuffle “Do you always have this effect on inantimate objects?”  You see we have this joke – one was why my laptop speakers weren’t working one day — I had pugged the laptop fan plug into the earphone jack…then there was the why I couldn’t do something on my phone – the case was on upside down. And the list goes on…it provides hours of amusment, trust me.

Damn am I tired now.  What a 24 hours. Breast Cancer Mardi Gras takes a lot out of a gal some days.

Oh and in the realm of future planning, I bought myself a couple new ice packs.

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