Today is a weird one. First there was the call from my surgeon’s office that they had not yet received my written surgery clearance from my primary care’s office. So I called my primary care and said I don’t want to whine too loudly but if they want me all nice and calm for surgery then….end result? My surgeon should have that today but I will follow-up in a couple of hours.
Next comes the not so happy part – my neighbor who is a wonderful woman is in the hospital. I realized that all I had seen the past few days was this friend of hers who moved away a few years ago. Not her.
So I asked this friend of neighbor where the neighbor was. “She’s in the hospital” she says.
“WHY????” I asked
“She has colorectal cancer that has metastasized and is getting in-patient chemo.” she says
Wow. Just wow. Where do I go in my head with this? This neighbor is an absolute darling of a woman and that is just so unfair.
Of course I immediately think about the fact she is divorced, older, no kids, a brother who has some special needs, etc. So I tell her friend a place to stop locally before she leaves town to pick up a pamphlet on driving services, etc – with chemo she will need it and as I enter into my own quest to rid myself of breast cancer, I know that I won’t be able to help the way I would if I could.
So her friend says to me “well can you talk to her brother about this?”
I looked at her and said “No I am sorry I can’t. Not right now.”
She looks at me quasi-incredulously and asks “Why?”
I am thinking in my head “REALLY???”. But I did not say that. I told her I have breast cancer and have unfortunately my own things to deal with right now.
Lordy you would think I am the world’s most selfish person. But I can’t. I can’t take on anything new, especially that saps any kind of emotional energy that I need to store to heal. I feel awful, but I really had to bite my tongue and ask her why she could not do this for her friend.
So I did call the non-profit to ask me to send their pamphlets to slide under my neighbor’s door.
I feel shitty that this is all I can do right now and I am very worried for her. But I just can’t go there. I can’t. This news has hit me oddly enough as it is. I really felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Is this how it is going to be from now on? Every time in the near term I hear someone is sick or dying? Or has died?
Had that today too. The hearing about someone dying. Someone else I know who is an absolute love unexpectedly lost their sister last night.
The fragility of life is very real, isn’t it?
But in the positive column today, a woman I know whom I think is simply amazing called. Another mutual friend told her what I was entering into and she called to say hello. She also gave me more resources that I can tap into as needed. I really needed to hear her calm and lovely voice this morning.
So friends, that has been my morning. A bit of a roller coaster emotionally. But I am o.k.
God, you listening? Please help these other people in my world who are going through things? Thanks, and thank you for helping me to keep my faith.
I am really glad I am writing about this stuff. It helps.
It’s a sunny day, people. Go outside and appreciate a little Mother Nature today.