Today is a weird one.  First there was the call from my surgeon’s office that they had not yet received my written surgery clearance from my primary care’s office.    So I called my primary care and said I don’t want to whine too loudly but if they want me all nice and calm for surgery then….end result?  My surgeon should have that today but I will follow-up in a couple of hours.

Next comes the not so happy part – my neighbor who is a wonderful woman is in the hospital.  I realized that all I had seen the past few days was this friend of hers who moved away a few years ago. Not her.

So I asked this friend of neighbor where the neighbor was.  “She’s in the hospital” she says.

“WHY????” I asked

“She has colorectal cancer that has metastasized and is getting in-patient chemo.” she says

Wow. Just wow. Where do I go in my head with this?  This neighbor is an absolute darling of a woman and that is just so unfair.

Of course I immediately think about the fact she is divorced, older, no kids, a brother who has some special needs, etc.  So I tell her friend a place to stop locally before she leaves town to pick up a pamphlet on driving services, etc – with chemo she will need it and as I enter into my own quest to rid myself of breast cancer, I know that I won’t be able to help the way I would if I could.

So her friend says to me “well can you talk to her brother about this?”

I looked at her and said “No I am sorry I can’t. Not right now.”

She looks at me  quasi-incredulously and asks “Why?”

I am thinking in my head “REALLY???”.   But I did not say that.  I told her I have breast cancer and have unfortunately my own things to deal with right now.

Lordy you would think I am the world’s most selfish person.  But I can’t.  I can’t take on anything new, especially that saps any kind of emotional energy that I need to store to heal.  I feel awful, but I really had to bite my tongue and ask her why she could not do this for her friend.

So I did call the non-profit to ask me to send their pamphlets to slide under my neighbor’s door.

I feel shitty that this is all I can do right now and I am very worried for her.  But I just can’t go there.  I can’t.  This news has hit me oddly enough as it is.  I really felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.  Is this how it is going to be from now on?  Every time in the near term I hear someone is sick or dying? Or has died?

Had that today too.  The hearing about someone dying.  Someone else I know who is an absolute love unexpectedly lost their sister last night. 

The fragility of life is very real, isn’t it? 

But in the positive column today, a woman I know whom I think is simply amazing called.  Another mutual friend told her what I was entering into and she called to say hello.  She also gave me more resources that I can tap into as needed.  I really needed to hear her calm and lovely voice this morning. 

So friends, that has been my morning.  A bit of a roller coaster emotionally.  But I am o.k.

God, you listening? Please help these other people in my world who are going through things?  Thanks, and thank you for helping me to keep my faith. 

I am really glad I am writing about this stuff.  It helps. 

It’s a sunny day, people.  Go outside and appreciate a little Mother Nature today.