a couple of clouds on a sunny day

Today is a weird one.  First there was the call from my surgeon’s office that they had not yet received my written surgery clearance from my primary care’s office.    So I called my primary care and said I don’t want to whine too loudly but if they want me all nice and calm for surgery then….end result?  My surgeon should have that today but I will follow-up in a couple of hours.

Next comes the not so happy part – my neighbor who is a wonderful woman is in the hospital.  I realized that all I had seen the past few days was this friend of hers who moved away a few years ago. Not her.

So I asked this friend of neighbor where the neighbor was.  “She’s in the hospital” she says.

“WHY????” I asked

She has colorectal cancer that has metastasized and is getting in-patient chemo.” she says

Wow. Just wow. Where do I go in my head with this?  This neighbor is an absolute darling of a woman and that is just so unfair.

Of course I immediately think about the fact she is divorced, older, no kids, a brother who has some special needs, etc.  So I tell her friend a place to stop locally before she leaves town to pick up a pamphlet on driving services, etc – with chemo she will need it and as I enter into my own quest to rid myself of breast cancer, I know that I won’t be able to help the way I would if I could.

So her friend says to me “well can you talk to her brother about this?”

I looked at her and said “No I am sorry I can’t. Not right now.”

She looks at me  quasi-incredulously and asks “Why?”

I am thinking in my head “REALLY???”.   But I did not say that.  I told her I have breast cancer and have unfortunately my own things to deal with right now.

Lordy you would think I am the world’s most selfish person.  But I can’t.  I can’t take on anything new, especially that saps any kind of emotional energy that I need to store to heal.  I feel awful, but I really had to bite my tongue and ask her why she could not do this for her friend.

So I did call the non-profit to ask me to send their pamphlets to slide under my neighbor’s door.

I feel shitty that this is all I can do right now and I am very worried for her.  But I just can’t go there.  I can’t.  This news has hit me oddly enough as it is.  I really felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.  Is this how it is going to be from now on?  Every time in the near term I hear someone is sick or dying? Or has died?

Had that today too.  The hearing about someone dying.  Someone else I know who is an absolute love unexpectedly lost their sister last night. 

The fragility of life is very real, isn’t it? 

But in the positive column today, a woman I know whom I think is simply amazing called.  Another mutual friend told her what I was entering into and she called to say hello.  She also gave me more resources that I can tap into as needed.  I really needed to hear her calm and lovely voice this morning. 

So friends, that has been my morning.  A bit of a roller coaster emotionally.  But I am o.k.

God, you listening? Please help these other people in my world who are going through things?  Thanks, and thank you for helping me to keep my faith. 

I am really glad I am writing about this stuff.  It helps. 

It’s a sunny day, people.  Go outside and appreciate a little Mother Nature today.

About carla

Writer, blogger, photographer, breast cancer survivor. I write about whatever strikes my fancy as I meander through life.
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2 Responses to a couple of clouds on a sunny day

  1. I don’t think you are selfish at all. You have a lot to deal with right now and trying to take something else on at this point, would probably be unwise.

    After you are diagnosed by cancer it seems like you hear about it so much more often. I guess because it hits home so hard. Anytime I hear news about someone being diagnosed with cancer I get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. What’s worse is when you hear people talk nonchalantly about someone dying from it. I do not like that.

    You will notice that one thing you have gained from this horrible cancer thing is greater compassion. You are forever changed in this way. It’s part of the sisterhood.

    I am so sorry about the medical mumbo jumbo that happens. Insurance and medical balances can be a bear too. I wish I could help you. I’ve been there and know how much just a single thing can throw your day into chaos.

    I hope this may be of some comfort. 🙂

    Isaiah 41:10 (KJV)
    “ Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness”

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