18 down, 17 to go… may I skip the emotional tossed salad?

Posted on August 18, 2011 by carla

I turned a corner and shouldn’t be in such a mood.  But emotionally today I am at 6’s and 7’s and so damn tired right now I can barely keep my eyes open.  Plus I look like one of those black and white iced cookies this afternoon.  Half of my neck to below boob area looks like a lobster (left side) and the other half (right side) looks like the inside of a celery stalk because I have not been in the sun.

Physically save my supplement deprivation I actually probably look better because I am walking as much as I can to keep my stress down and my body energized through radiation (and then every time I walk all I want is a nap half the time LOL), but emotionally?  Well there are moments and days and today is definitely and emotional tossed salad.  My nails are done, but I need a haircut and I feel like I look like hell even if I don’t really.  And I am tired of the Latvian Washer Woman personality going on underneath my left arm pit.  I would love to get my hair (on my head as the arm pit is out) at least trimmed but can’t afford the woman who last cut it and the other place I go to once in a while because they are also a bit pricey is the salon which told me they were too busy the day I walked in and saw only one customer…so that is out of the equation – and last time I went cheap it was a Hair Cuttery and I looked like Boy named Sue at the end and then had to pay for a corrective cut to fix that cut. 

I guess this is all (to sum up) making me feel less than girly some days and today is one of those days.  I am not a super girly girl but I am feminine and today I feel anything BUT.

A bright spot in the day is I have been asked to write a first person essay about my breast cancer experience for someone.  I think that is really cool and am going to do it.  After all, writing is and always will be a catharsis for me.  And besides if there is one thing I have learned from this experience it’s that for every woman like me who tries to talk about this lovely thing called breast cancer there are 20 who can’t open their mouths who are feeling similar things some days even if every cancer is different.  So if I can pay it forward, I will.  Even if my tool of an ex refers to all of this as self-aggrandizement.

Another bright spot in the day and my photo du jour?  Thanks to DiBruno Brothers I now know that Nutella comes in the convenient family sized jar.  I did not buy the giant jar incidentally although I am still needing my nearest Nutella-aholics Meeting …

Taa taa for now…and  sorry for being so crabby today that I could sprout 8 legs, a hard shell, and scuttle sideways across the floor.

And a  final , absolute last word for the day?  A  special shout out  and hug to my darling MS Social herself – my friend Michelle who has had a rough couple days – and I am sorry for that chica as you deserve all sunshine all the time.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

‎17 down, 18 to go….and midsummer reflections upon my left breast

Posted on August 17, 2011 by carla

Yes another one done…radiation was only 15 minutes behind today.  Wore my extra bright Pucci-like print pants again and made it a party. Had one of my Shipley gals as escort extraordinaire – Laura.

Left boob is red like a lobster, a little sore some days (like today), itchy others (yesterday) but no blisters so far knock on wood.  (I would like to escape that side effect that I have heard tell occurs) . The breast getting radiation looks like a donut peach that glows right now.

One of my Karens said (tongue in cheek) that is not enough detail and  she has to think of an analogy for her boob, but can’t think of anything that could top “donut peach that glows.”  – Mind you nothing wrong with her figure LOL.

A guy pal from high school Scott said:

 ” ‘An Analogy for My Boob.’  That sounds like one of those Romantic Period poetry titles, you know, on the order of “Ode to a Grecian Urn” or something.”

Giggles all around as Karen’s retort quipped rapid speed across my Facebook page when she said:

” ‘Midsummer Reflections Upon My Left Breast’… the British version”

Proverbial hat tip to said Karen for giving me partial post title.

I have now hit my daily wall of tired and worked a full day to boot.  I have 1 6/8 boobs.

Life and time march on…every day a little bit closer

Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

~ Sheryl Crow

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

16 down 19 to go…and a cold sets in…

Posted on August 16, 2011 by carla

Woke up sneezing at around 3:30 a.m. and I knew it wasn’t allergies…I have a kid cold.  I have been drinking my OJ and am at present having fresh chicken and veggie broth with pastina, but right now I feel like Typhoid Mary.  And I miss being able to take my extra C or add a lil’ packet of Emergen-C to my juice.

So I am very snotful indeed.

Today, once again, radiation was slammed and I had to hang out extra when all I wanted to do was curl up somewhere and blow my nose.  Not that I have that luxury because I don’t have sick or vacation days at current job (along with no benefits) – my health insurance   I pay for personally as an individual.  Trust me, when you are trying to go through something like radiation treatment, you miss having sick days saved up – and that is the irony of it all – all those years I never even came close to using all my sick days….

I wonder when I can re-up my annual flu shot? My bet is like everything else, not until after radiation is complete.

My car repair was an annoying added expense in addition, today.  $293 – not nearly as bad as it could be, but ouch nevertheless.

The bright spot today was my partial puppy escort to rads.  See the photo and yes ooooh and ahhh because baby is THAT cute.  The other photo is of the jackass du jour who mistook the hospital garage for a NASCAR track.  Also worth noting in the garage today?  The special place in hell that must be reserved for people NOT going to radiation parking in the parking spaces reserved for us rads kids.

One sad thing was a lady I see every day.  An older lady who is always cheery.  She is a bit newer to the exclusive club that is radiation.  Today she said she was a little down.  It breaks my heart, but we as women can’t go there.  I do believe God does not give us more than we can handle and we have to believe in ourselves in addition.  Sitting here with a kid cold and feeling crappy this is hard to say, but I have to.  I have to believe. After all, it’s gotten me this far.

Faith is a funny creature.  But I am happy to have her on my team.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

~Maya Angelou

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

15 down 20 to go…

Posted on August 15, 2011 by carla

I have nothing value added at this point in the day as my ass is dragging.   Well maybe one thing. or two. Or three.

My sweet man surprised me with a pair of cookbooks I have always wanted to own – Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking – BOTH volumes!! 

I made Julia’s Ratatouille to accompany a marinated grilled boneless pork loin on Saturday to break it in.  Also made cinnamon peach pancakes for Sunday breakfast – they weren’t Julia – they were all mine (no there is no written down recipe)

Mind you after cooking Sunday I had a delightful nap….and speaking of naps, almost could have had one at radiation today as they were an hour behind and I got there fifteen minutes early. And for all the requests that we not wear perfume, etc to radiation, maybe they should mention to the staff in radiation that the cooking smells emanating from the staff break room aren’t necessarily what cancer patients feel like smelling either. Just saying.

Saw my regulars – and the lady I really like who wears the oxygen when going to radiation is also doing a fanny pack for chemo.  She looked tired today.  

Well that is all for me….

Another one done! Sweet dreams all…and just think, in the middle of this week I will truly be halfway done…

If you are in a mood to read check out two new things I found on www.breastcancer.org :

Dense Breasts Hike Risk of Aggressive Cancer

Tamoxifen Legacy lasts Long Term

Lower Your Risk (diet)

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

14 down and 21 to go…and a giggle

Posted on August 12, 2011 by carla

Ok yes….week three of seven is finally complete.  I am shortly all about the nap as I have also logged to completion  my 40 hour work week. 

I am very tired and this morning Teri was laughing because I was sooo Ms. Cranky Pants – well in all fairness the fact that The Haverford School (a pretigious boys school with platinum plated tuition for all of those not in the know)  decided to BLOCK all four lanes of Lancaster Avenue so they could back an 18 + wheeler into their new turf field in training instead of taking it around the side of the school and into their property so as to NOT inconvenience everyone totally set me off.   We left in enough time so that I should have been 15 minutes early for radiation and instead I was almost 15 minutes late through no fault of my own.  But that school doesn’t give a crap about anything or anyone other then them these days so what did I expect?

After rads, Teri and I stopped so I could get my prescriptions at Rite Aid – here’s your giggle for the day – as I am standing there paying for my prescriptions this elderly African American man goes up to drop off his prescriptions at the other window of the pharmacy and the last thing he says is “and I’ll have a viagra to go, too”.

I almost wet my pants.  But to spare you all that I didn’t but boy did I giggle.

Many thanks to my friends, family and my sweet man. You all are literally God’s blessing – I could not do this without you.  And yes, I did stop into Our Mother of Good Counsel this morning to have a little word of thanks with the big guy upstairs…but shhhhh don’t tell it ruins my whole heathen thing.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

a baker’s dozen: 13 down 22 to go

Posted on August 11, 2011 by carla

Well another one done and stick a needle in me, I am about done for the week.  Between doing the radiation shuffle (which would be so awful without my gal pals), feeling so tired that I feel nauseous (and I actually did throw up early this afternoon), and other life assorted aggravation of the earlier part of the day, I am about ready for yet another week of Breast Cancer Mardi Gras to be over.

And lordy the March of the multi colored skirt sheeple in the hospital parking lot has been crazy this week.  Every day driving into the garage to park to go get zapped we have seen these women (different ones each day) all wearing crazy multicolored skirts or sundresses who just wander into the lanes of traffic in the garage like la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la we’re chasing butterflies…and they just STOP.   And then they blink at us with this oddly sheep-like gaze that says almost something like “what???? you want to get by??? I have to move?”

Sorry guess you had to be there, but is amusing in an annoying sort of comment on humans in action kind of way.

I have a couple of regulars I see now in the waiting room.  One older lady in particular I like a lot.  She comes in on oxygen every day.  I don’t know what else she has besides breast cancer, but she is super sweet. 

The bonus round of the day was I had dinner with my sweetie, which definitely made for a pleasant evening :<}

Sign me tired of being tired….

Today’s photo which has nothing to do with anything is march of the cupcakes….I looooove those red velvet cupcakes.   Of course I am also on berry-pineapple-fresh peaches kick.

Nighty night

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

a girl’s just gotta have fun…

Posted on August 10, 2011 by carla

 

…and even breast cancer can be fun when you sell a  newspaper a photo that lands on the front page of the print edition!

(and besides it beats hearing me complain about everything especially being tired all the time)

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

12 down 23 to go…

Posted on August 10, 2011 by carla

Yep another one done.  Word of the day is fatigue.

But I am still kicking and still smiling.

Damn, I am a pain in the ass, aren’t I?

I do need a nap soon though…can’t seem to help it….and oh yes I seem to be getting hot flashes – is there such a thing as radiation flashes?  Like after you get a bad sunburn?

And my left armpit is officially grossing me out.  I feel like a Latvian washer woman.

Other random acts of my brain include a need to possibly check out Nutella-aholics Anonymous. I am craving it like CRAZY, what the hell is wrong with me?

Sign me cute meets Ms. Crank-pants LOL

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

11 down 24 to go

Posted on August 9, 2011 by carla

Another one done and many thanks to Linda for Driving Miss Daisy on a rainy day.  It was summer monsoon crazy for a while and now it’s back to it feels like a sauna.

11 down and my ass is dragging….

I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open today….

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

10 down, 25 to go and I am supposed to hold my arm how?

Posted on August 9, 2011 by carla

T-I-R-E-D….yes I know Sandra, I am supposed to keep my sunny side up and all that, but I swear I am just a wee bit cranky and I can’t sleep right now for whatever addled reason.  My busy brain needs to pipe down and keep quiet.

So I go in for radiation.  I get zapped and I have a check in with my radiation oncologist whom I love but she is telling me how I have to keep my left arm up all the time – that is because it’s the left breast getting the daily zap of radiation.

But  how am I supposed to do this all the time?  Am I supposed to develop a Monty Python-like gait or something? And yes, I am now up to TWO creams three times a day, and trying to find comfortable wire-free bras and camisoles that give me a little support, don’t hurt, and don’t make me see a toothless mountain mama with low slung udders in the mirror.  Sorry but I hate, hate, hate not looking right under clothes and this whole no real bra thing or underwire thing during radiation is obviously necessary, but it is very unattractive.

Yes, it is all about me. And I don’t have the largest chest, but I don’t have the smallest either and I am too damn old to look cute bra-free.

Oh this weekend the fatigue caught up with me and I fell asleep, yes kid deep sleep asleep at my friend’s house after dinner.  Sponge Bob Square Pants put me right out apparently. But before that I had a swell time playing with the cutest kittens.

Many thanks to my hot mama Sherry for Driving Miss Daisy today…she had a mammogram after driving me to radiation.  That concept can’t be much fun.

And oh yes, they were filming a movie in my neighborhood today…that was kind of fun.

The cross-eyed  slightly cranky pants tired gal is going to bed now. 

10 down, 25 to go.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment