20 down, 15 to go and what’s up with my mood?

Today was number 20.  Time flies when you’re having fun and spending gobs of money to stay alive, right?

O.k. sorry but Ms. Cranky Pants is in the house a wee bit today.  I am overwhelmingly tired, and yes I have slept.  And call me crazy, but being so fatigued almost makes me feel depressed at times. (Which is as irritating as shit, let me tell you) 

I think maybe some days I am overwhelmed in spite of myself.

Friday night was date night with my guy and in spite of the rain and thunder it was an awesome night.   I actually dressed up a little and felt more like a girl and less like a breast cancer fashion victim.

Saturday my sweet man took us down to visit my friend Barb and her family on Saturday.   Barb knows that MeMom’s place in Ocean City is special to me.  MeMom’s house is a traditional brick beach house with amazing porches and is over 100 years old.  It holds to the testament of time and perseverance, existing in the midst of some damn unattractive modern Jersey shore housing (I refuse to call most of it architecture). His son had an awesome play date day with Barb’s son and my friend Stephanie’s son (who has the most impeccable manners, incidentally)….. Oh wait, I forgot, they are tweens or close enough, so it’s not a play date, it’s hanging out – even if the parents still arrange the time, LOL.

I spent a little time on the beach under an umbrella, took some awesome photos and went for a walk, but watched my sun exposure and retired to one of the porches for an awesome by-the-sea nap.  After that we took a stroll on the boards, had pizza at Mack & Manco’s and called it a day.

Sunday was a fitful stormy day and crazy humid, so I pretty much stayed inside until it was dinner time.  After a long weekend, we decided to go out to dinner. So we went to Wayne. 

We thought we were going to Theresa’s, what I used to think of as a cute BYOB. Two twin blondey blonde tartlet hostesses were the keepers of the tables.  In spite of NO lines outside and a NO reservation policy, they were playing the waiting game for tables.  And oh yes, there were several empty tables.  “Forty minutes” they chirped in unison after looking us up and down  – incidentally, I have been to some mighty fine restaurants in Manhattan and the Hamptons whose hosts and hostesses never did that up and down look see.  I felt like telling those lil miz things they weren’t all that and a bag of chips, but I did not let the inner voice play outside.

It was already 7 pm on a Sunday, and this little rads girl was tired, so we went down the street to Christopher’s where we were greeted cheerfully, and seated immediately.  It was more crowded in Christopher’s, yet we had a delicious meal and wonderful service.  On our way back to the car we walked by Theresa’s.  The hostesses were still holding guard, and they still had empty tables.  When a restaurant starts to believe their own hype, eventually they tumble-down.   I don’t know about you, but I prefer my dining experiences attitude free.

Radiation today was once again a crowded affair.  And they were running late again.  Today I figured out why.  There is an older woman who obviously can’t bring herself, and she has a couple of people who bring her.  They bring her in late.   When you are getting radiation, the common courtesy is you arrive a few minutes early because you have to change.  The time of your actual appointment is when you go into the room, not when arrive to get changed.

I feel sorry for this older woman because this is obviously beyond her control.  And she is so frail and a little out of it that everything takes longer with her to begin with.   I have noticed  it’s usually one person in particular who makes her late.  Yes, I began my 5th week today so I recognize the cast of characters.  However, this one woman who brings this older lady should be more considerate of the rest of us.   But the reality is, those people generally exist in a bubble, so we don’t rank.

I am so tired, people.  Truthfully I am thinking this is what chronic fatigue must feel like. And another damn stitch is working its way out around my nipple, so the zapped area is extra sensitive.  Tomorrow I get a doctor check too. If insurance doesn’t cover what it is supposed to by the end of this I might throw a ginormous temper tantrum.

A domani!

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19 down, 16 to go…need a nap, have earned a nap

Today my escort was a friend I don’t get to see very often, Pat.  So I had a lot of fun and completed yet another week of radiation treatment.  

Still lobster-like and finding myself in need of a nap.  My work work is complete for the week, so I can indulge myself. Not that naps should be considered an indulgence I suppose – in my case, right now it is a necessity to stay healthy. I am like a battery that needs to be recharged….

Thank you all for buoying me through another week.  This morning I had the added bonus of speaking to my niece and nephew who are en route to their cousins and a Katy Perry concert.  How fun would that be?

16 more to go….in essence 3 weeks….wow how time flies when you are fighting breast cancer.  But damn, I am a survivor now, am I not?

My nap theme song  today is one of my favorite Sophie B. Hawkins songs “As I lay me down”.  It just popped into my brain as I was contemplating catching a few z’s.

 

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18 down, 17 to go… may I skip the emotional tossed salad?

I turned a corner and shouldn’t be in such a mood.  But emotionally today I am at 6’s and 7’s and so damn tired right now I can barely keep my eyes open.  Plus I look like one of those black and white iced cookies this afternoon.  Half of my neck to below boob area looks like a lobster (left side) and the other half (right side) looks like the inside of a celery stalk because I have not been in the sun.

Physically save my supplement deprivation I actually probably look better because I am walking as much as I can to keep my stress down and my body energized through radiation (and then every time I walk all I want is a nap half the time LOL), but emotionally?  Well there are moments and days and today is definitely and emotional tossed salad.  My nails are done, but I need a haircut and I feel like I look like hell even if I don’t really.  And I am tired of the Latvian Washer Woman personality going on underneath my left arm pit.  I would love to get my hair (on my head as the arm pit is out) at least trimmed but can’t afford the woman who last cut it and the other place I go to once in a while because they are also a bit pricey is the salon which told me they were too busy the day I walked in and saw only one customer…so that is out of the equation – and last time I went cheap it was a Hair Cuttery and I looked like Boy named Sue at the end and then had to pay for a corrective cut to fix that cut. 

I guess this is all (to sum up) making me feel less than girly some days and today is one of those days.  I am not a super girly girl but I am feminine and today I feel anything BUT.

A bright spot in the day is I have been asked to write a first person essay about my breast cancer experience for someone.  I think that is really cool and am going to do it.  After all, writing is and always will be a catharsis for me.  And besides if there is one thing I have learned from this experience it’s that for every woman like me who tries to talk about this lovely thing called breast cancer there are 20 who can’t open their mouths who are feeling similar things some days even if every cancer is different.  So if I can pay it forward, I will.  Even if my tool of an ex refers to all of this as self-aggrandizement.

Another bright spot in the day and my photo du jour?  Thanks to DiBruno Brothers I now know that Nutella comes in the convenient family sized jar.  I did not buy the giant jar incidentally although I am still needing my nearest Nutella-aholics Meeting …

Taa taa for now…and  sorry for being so crabby today that I could sprout 8 legs, a hard shell, and scuttle sideways across the floor.

And a  final , absolute last word for the day?  A  special shout out  and hug to my darling MS Social herself – my friend Michelle who has had a rough couple days – and I am sorry for that chica as you deserve all sunshine all the time.

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‎17 down, 18 to go….and midsummer reflections upon my left breast

Yes another one done…radiation was only 15 minutes behind today.  Wore my extra bright Pucci-like print pants again and made it a party. Had one of my Shipley gals as escort extraordinaire – Laura.

Left boob is red like a lobster, a little sore some days (like today), itchy others (yesterday) but no blisters so far knock on wood.  (I would like to escape that side effect that I have heard tell occurs) . The breast getting radiation looks like a donut peach that glows right now.

One of my Karens said (tongue in cheek) that is not enough detail and  she has to think of an analogy for her boob, but can’t think of anything that could top “donut peach that glows.”  – Mind you nothing wrong with her figure LOL.

A guy pal from high school Scott said:

 ” ‘An Analogy for My Boob.’  That sounds like one of those Romantic Period poetry titles, you know, on the order of “Ode to a Grecian Urn” or something.”

Giggles all around as Karen’s retort quipped rapid speed across my Facebook page when she said:

” ‘Midsummer Reflections Upon My Left Breast’… the British version”

Proverbial hat tip to said Karen for giving me partial post title.

I have now hit my daily wall of tired and worked a full day to boot.  I have 1 6/8 boobs.

Life and time march on…every day a little bit closer

Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

~ Sheryl Crow

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16 down 19 to go…and a cold sets in…

Woke up sneezing at around 3:30 a.m. and I knew it wasn’t allergies…I have a kid cold.  I have been drinking my OJ and am at present having fresh chicken and veggie broth with pastina, but right now I feel like Typhoid Mary.  And I miss being able to take my extra C or add a lil’ packet of Emergen-C to my juice.

So I am very snotful indeed.

Today, once again, radiation was slammed and I had to hang out extra when all I wanted to do was curl up somewhere and blow my nose.  Not that I have that luxury because I don’t have sick or vacation days at current job (along with no benefits) – my health insurance   I pay for personally as an individual.  Trust me, when you are trying to go through something like radiation treatment, you miss having sick days saved up – and that is the irony of it all – all those years I never even came close to using all my sick days….

I wonder when I can re-up my annual flu shot? My bet is like everything else, not until after radiation is complete.

My car repair was an annoying added expense in addition, today.  $293 – not nearly as bad as it could be, but ouch nevertheless.

The bright spot today was my partial puppy escort to rads.  See the photo and yes ooooh and ahhh because baby is THAT cute.  The other photo is of the jackass du jour who mistook the hospital garage for a NASCAR track.  Also worth noting in the garage today?  The special place in hell that must be reserved for people NOT going to radiation parking in the parking spaces reserved for us rads kids.

One sad thing was a lady I see every day.  An older lady who is always cheery.  She is a bit newer to the exclusive club that is radiation.  Today she said she was a little down.  It breaks my heart, but we as women can’t go there.  I do believe God does not give us more than we can handle and we have to believe in ourselves in addition.  Sitting here with a kid cold and feeling crappy this is hard to say, but I have to.  I have to believe. After all, it’s gotten me this far.

Faith is a funny creature.  But I am happy to have her on my team.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

~Maya Angelou

 

 

 

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15 down 20 to go…

I have nothing value added at this point in the day as my ass is dragging.   Well maybe one thing. or two. Or three.

My sweet man surprised me with a pair of cookbooks I have always wanted to own – Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking – BOTH volumes!! 

I made Julia’s Ratatouille to accompany a marinated grilled boneless pork loin on Saturday to break it in.  Also made cinnamon peach pancakes for Sunday breakfast – they weren’t Julia – they were all mine (no there is no written down recipe)

Mind you after cooking Sunday I had a delightful nap….and speaking of naps, almost could have had one at radiation today as they were an hour behind and I got there fifteen minutes early. And for all the requests that we not wear perfume, etc to radiation, maybe they should mention to the staff in radiation that the cooking smells emanating from the staff break room aren’t necessarily what cancer patients feel like smelling either. Just saying.

Saw my regulars – and the lady I really like who wears the oxygen when going to radiation is also doing a fanny pack for chemo.  She looked tired today.  

Well that is all for me….

Another one done! Sweet dreams all…and just think, in the middle of this week I will truly be halfway done…

If you are in a mood to read check out two new things I found on www.breastcancer.org :

Dense Breasts Hike Risk of Aggressive Cancer

Tamoxifen Legacy lasts Long Term

Lower Your Risk (diet)

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14 down and 21 to go…and a giggle

Ok yes….week three of seven is finally complete.  I am shortly all about the nap as I have also logged to completion  my 40 hour work week. 

I am very tired and this morning Teri was laughing because I was sooo Ms. Cranky Pants – well in all fairness the fact that The Haverford School (a pretigious boys school with platinum plated tuition for all of those not in the know)  decided to BLOCK all four lanes of Lancaster Avenue so they could back an 18 + wheeler into their new turf field in training instead of taking it around the side of the school and into their property so as to NOT inconvenience everyone totally set me off.   We left in enough time so that I should have been 15 minutes early for radiation and instead I was almost 15 minutes late through no fault of my own.  But that school doesn’t give a crap about anything or anyone other then them these days so what did I expect?

After rads, Teri and I stopped so I could get my prescriptions at Rite Aid – here’s your giggle for the day – as I am standing there paying for my prescriptions this elderly African American man goes up to drop off his prescriptions at the other window of the pharmacy and the last thing he says is “and I’ll have a viagra to go, too”.

I almost wet my pants.  But to spare you all that I didn’t but boy did I giggle.

Many thanks to my friends, family and my sweet man. You all are literally God’s blessing – I could not do this without you.  And yes, I did stop into Our Mother of Good Counsel this morning to have a little word of thanks with the big guy upstairs…but shhhhh don’t tell it ruins my whole heathen thing.

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a baker’s dozen: 13 down 22 to go

Well another one done and stick a needle in me, I am about done for the week.  Between doing the radiation shuffle (which would be so awful without my gal pals), feeling so tired that I feel nauseous (and I actually did throw up early this afternoon), and other life assorted aggravation of the earlier part of the day, I am about ready for yet another week of Breast Cancer Mardi Gras to be over.

And lordy the March of the multi colored skirt sheeple in the hospital parking lot has been crazy this week.  Every day driving into the garage to park to go get zapped we have seen these women (different ones each day) all wearing crazy multicolored skirts or sundresses who just wander into the lanes of traffic in the garage like la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la we’re chasing butterflies…and they just STOP.   And then they blink at us with this oddly sheep-like gaze that says almost something like “what???? you want to get by??? I have to move?”

Sorry guess you had to be there, but is amusing in an annoying sort of comment on humans in action kind of way.

I have a couple of regulars I see now in the waiting room.  One older lady in particular I like a lot.  She comes in on oxygen every day.  I don’t know what else she has besides breast cancer, but she is super sweet. 

The bonus round of the day was I had dinner with my sweetie, which definitely made for a pleasant evening :<}

Sign me tired of being tired….

Today’s photo which has nothing to do with anything is march of the cupcakes….I looooove those red velvet cupcakes.   Of course I am also on berry-pineapple-fresh peaches kick.

Nighty night

 

 

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a girl’s just gotta have fun…

 

…and even breast cancer can be fun when you sell a  newspaper a photo that lands on the front page of the print edition!

(and besides it beats hearing me complain about everything especially being tired all the time)

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12 down 23 to go…

Yep another one done.  Word of the day is fatigue.

But I am still kicking and still smiling.

Damn, I am a pain in the ass, aren’t I?

I do need a nap soon though…can’t seem to help it….and oh yes I seem to be getting hot flashes – is there such a thing as radiation flashes?  Like after you get a bad sunburn?

And my left armpit is officially grossing me out.  I feel like a Latvian washer woman.

Other random acts of my brain include a need to possibly check out Nutella-aholics Anonymous. I am craving it like CRAZY, what the hell is wrong with me?

Sign me cute meets Ms. Crank-pants LOL

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