flowing stream of consciousness, or doing the emotional laundry

501a46bfb1af49d21f000be0ccd636f2….it’s important to think about are any changes you are planning to make to your figure before then.

 

So what is that about?  A dress fitting.  Alteration, truthfully.  I have never been able to truly buy dresses, especially formal wear, off the rack.  Something is either too long, needs to be taken in, let out, hemmed…something.

I do not do as many formal dress bearing occasions as I used to, but there are some occasionally.  And I need a dress altered.

The seamstress and I were e-mailing back and forth because I had dropped her a note to ask how jammed her schedule was for an alteration.

 

I got back the schedule and her normal list of what she needs when you come in – underwear, shoes, spanx, bras and so on.  And then the phrase about body changes.  Now granted those are mostly for her Bridezillas so she doesn’t get tortured last minute.  But for me as a lopsided breast cancer survivor who fights with self-body image daily some weeks (still), oh the emotions.

 

It’s not so simple emotionally.  I look in the mirror and I see a lopsided middle aged woman.  It’s pretty rare I feel pretty.  Most days I am content when I just am comfortable.  So playing dress up really takes some doing. And beauty, yes beauty is extremely fleeting when you are looking at a lopsided self yet you know reconstruction and plastic surgery would not have been for you.

 

Actually if I am honest with myself, since breast cancer lots of things take some doing a good bit of the time.

 

It’s not something a lot of us like to talk about, even me.  When you were told by some at your diagnosis it was a new reality in retrospect I have to laugh, because oh man, they did not even give you the tip of that iceberg.

 

The dreams.  Not very often, but once in a while a cancer recurrence dream slips in.  I wake up in a cold sweat realizing I am still OK.

 

The simmering ever so slightly verve of feeling blue.  You can’t put your finger on it. You aren’t upset about anything, yet there is this tiny hum of feeling blue.  It comes and it goes. A thank you Tamoxifen.

 

HOT FLASHES FROM HELL.  And dry skin.  Am I woman or alligator now in the winter?

 

Tired.  I never used to be tired.  Sometimes I just am. I think it goes with the sleepus interruptus and hot flashes.

 

Joint pain.  Oh thanks Tamoxifen, where would I be without it? Again, not a constant but when it visits, it hurts.  Everything feels like it aches. I know how people with Lyme disease feel.

 

And the one I hate pretty much most of all. The days and even weeks where I feel absolutely unable to concentrate on anything or am just forgetful.  Yes, it is like chasing your own head.  Today is one of those days.  And today I am so frustrated I could cry. But I won’t.  I will suck it up and move forward.

 

I guess the point of this rambling stream of consciousness is there is no one size fits all band-aid.  And today is just one of those days I have to remind myself of that.  These are the days, right or wrong, I need a little reassurance but my pride has a hard time dealing with that.

 

Life is a journey.  But I do think once you have had breast cancer sometimes you just feel things in more vivid technicolor than the next person.

 

I am fine.  Seriously I am.  But I needed to let what I was feeling out.  I needed to try to write it down to help me sort my emotional laundry.

 

Thanks for stopping by.

 

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About carla

Writer, blogger, photographer, breast cancer survivor. I write about whatever strikes my fancy as I meander through life.
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