Well there I was managing my day, managing my stress, working, minding my own business, and WHAMMO! There it was: supreme irritation enough to make my head explode.

After business hours (i.e. sometime after 5:15 pm EST) the phone rings.  It’s a  guy from the lab doing the oncotyping calling to make sure they have permission to oncotype my mass, tumor, little bastard, whatever you want to call it.

HUH???????? WHAT?????????????

I saw my surgeon June 9th and at that point they told me the little bastard (i.e. tumor, mass, whatever) was going in for oncotyping.

So why am I getting this call on June 22 like the thing hasn’t been sent in yet I ask the poor man on the receiving end of my ire and phone.

Well he did not have an answer for me, only it was ordered yesterday.  And my insurance company approved it today.

O.K. I am going to drop the F-BOMB BIG TIME:  WHAT THE F*CK, PEOPLE????

How is it possible??  Here I am operating under the stressful enough misapprehension that this test would be back this week, worrying about it telling me if I needed chemotherapy in addition to radiation and tamoxifen, and now I find I am not ending the agony, but in fact only beginning it?  And that since the lab does not have the sample from the hospital back yet, the clock will not start until 14 calendar days from when that occurs?

Can I just say what the f*ck again, please? 

Here I am dutifully continuing to flash the rack at $50 a pop – yes, we all know Breast Cancer Mardi Gras only results in only  co-pays not beads, and here I am thinking finally a resolution, and  an end to the dance known as Chemo and Radiation Limbo…but NOOOOOOoooooo, not so. Not so at all.

So the lab tells me my oncotype was approved by my insurance company and I don’t have to pay and it’s a $4100 test, but still why is it I only find out now it’s  just been approved and going in?

Did someone drop the ball?  I mean what the f*ck people?  How are breast cancer gals supposed to get life back to normal when some days we are the only ones who feel like we are being a team player?

Right or wrong my surgeon and oncologist got a call.  I want to know how this happened and why all this time elapsed from when I was told about the test.  I also called that nurse person who is part of my breast benefits with my insurance company.   Did they lose my tumor, mass or little bastard or did it go to the Bahamas for a bit? I mean…WHAT?! Was it at a Tumor Spa having a facial and a sea weed wrap?

Ok yes, my head has exploded but damn it, when you are trying to budget your time and emotional and physical energy and get through this crap, this is just somewhat unfair.  And it’s bullshit.  Here I am thinking I could start whatever treatment shortly, and now I wait…. again.

Ok I am breathing now and I will calm down as that accomplishes nothing, but this is still bullshit.  And now, once again, I wait.

Ok, time to exhale anxiety and anger and fear and time to inhale clarity and peace and replace pain with acceptance that this is out of my control and, yes I have expressed my feelings.

It still doesn’t make this less bullshitty. Tick tock stop screwing with my clock. I  have a life to life damn it all.

Grrrrr…..