When I think of Sundays, I often think of my father for some reason. When I think of my father and remember him, I think of him smiling and the way his eyes used to light up when my mother, sister or I entered the room. They are random memories like snippets in time and space and they come into my mind unbidden.
But I have to ask -is it the breast cancer, or is it my subconscious that also brings forward other snippets, unwanted snippets of my past with my ex to regurgitate one last time and release into oblivion? Does the breast cancer diagnosis make me deal with the other ghosts in the machine once and for all? I think it does.
For example, I never truly admitted to myself until I admitted it to my sweet man last night, the occasional moments that lurk thanks to the thoughtful (being sarcastic here) exit of my ex. After all, what was done to me was abandonment – when you commit your life to someone and in the end they can’t even commit to a cell phone plan let alone another human being, it does leave some marks for a while. And no, I am not angry or afraid; it just is what it is, pure and simple.
The one who does love me tells me it’s an old cliché, but time and distance make it better and I do believe him (and it is true). And face it, from the day we are born, we all come with a past – we just have to deal with it. And even after we have dealt with it, once in a while in life there are occasional land mines. I do my best to deal with them positively at this point and then to let them go. Writing helps with that.
Last night was a great night to chatter, hang out, and to watch two movies that were on – Julie & Julia and It’s Complicated. Normal things. Sigh. Normal and low key is good. Terrific actually. I am a nester by nature, so this to me is heaven.
So I guess we can say dealing with a disease like breast cancer does indeed make you more introspective. I suppose if you want to heal, move on, and live… you have to deal with things – including old negatives and haunts beneath the surface. In a way it is very Zen to be able to deal with these things and to let them go; to release them and look forward. It’s like visualizing a balloon and letting its string slip from your fingers and gently float upward into the sky. Catch and release.
As the day is cool, through the open windows dancing on the breeze is a cacophony of sound – birds, dogs, and the symphony of riding mowers. Part of me wonders if they can be run like synchronized swimmers. Sorry, just had this funny mental visual of men on lawn after lawn after lawn on their lawn tractors going through the lawn dance.
I am still amazingly tired and when my body says sleep, I do. I am moving over to mostly regular Tylenol for the remaining pain, prescription pain meds are something that just bother me – to be taken when needed and properly disposed of when not. I have seen too many pill poppers in my lifetime and apparently it’s a really easy and slippery slope to go down.
It’s Sunday, people. Yay, I am into the new week. I have to call the nutritionist that comes as part of my cancer treatment. I want to get the list of foods I should be eating when I start radiation since I believe I have to stop supplements at that point until the course of radiation is done. I think the rule of thumb is I can only have what occurs naturally in foods I eat. I heard wheat grass for example is very good. I see the surgeon mid week to have a peek and to chart out the balance of my treatment. And the surgery co-pay is behind me (that was a bitter pill).
Speaking of the surgery, I keep having random flashbacks of Wednesday. Like when I went to be admitted. I went up to the calendar and this man, the gatekeeper, gave me a buzzer like you get in restaurants – you know the spin on the “take a number” in the deli line. Like I was ordering sliced ham and cheese. When I reached my turn the woman checking me in was very nice. She asked if I was employed and I said yes. Then she asked for the address, etc. So I said to her that I was happy to give her all the information she wanted, but when it came to my benefits I was self-pay. That blew her away. I was thinking to myself, if she thinks it blows her away….and work still continues to be a worry.
Men in the workplace have all sorts of allowances made for them, but not women. And that does bother me even if I am technically a protected class at this point. But I can’t worry about that, I have to concentrate on healing and getting stronger again. One day at a time, one step at a time. If anything happens, I am a big girl and I know how to push back. I will not take any crap at this point in my life.
Other random thoughts? My left breast is turning an interesting cornucopia of bruising colors I must say. Yuck. But once again, I remind myself that it could be worse and the top of that scale is the lump could still be inside me lumping away.
It’s weird to be in the recuperative fog hearing life go on around you. But the very noises of ordinary life are very calming and healing.
One day at a time, one step at a time. I can do this. Yes, truly, I think I can….the funny thing is I think I am actually doing it. Wow. How about that?