First of all, I slept a little better last night – and I was tired after all those tests yesterday. Of course I think I also get tired because staying positive can be exhausting….which leads me to the first of my rambling stream of consciousness for the morning.
Some people are fine when I tell them, but some people become immediately depressed or full of drama…and some act like I told them I have a hang nail and it’s back to all about them.
I know, I know, if you are reading this I sound like a major bitch. In this case I am trying not to be, but I finally am getting what other cancer patients have told me whom I have known – about people’s reactions to this news. (Remeber the line about drugs in St. Elmo’s Fire? Where the word “drugs” whispered by very proper people at a dinner party shortly before they find a wasted Rob Lowe on the roof? That is what telling some people is like.)
I made a conscious decision to be open about this as much as I can be, because it’s not the kind of secret I want eating me up from the inside out.
But to those who seem super depressed upon impact? You are not helping me and quite frankly it’s not happening to you, it is happening to me. So you all want to know if I am scared? Hell yes. Some minutes of the day I am terrified. But it is happening to me god damn it, not someone else.
Do I cry? Yes and often when I least expect it right now – I mean I only found out it was cancer a week ago today, so I am still adjusting to a lot, and my world has turned upside down.
This sucks people. Last year I thought was pretty awful, but yes it sucked. And I also survived. So somehow I will get through this. And writing really helps. Because as much as some of you want to reach out and touch me, depending on what minute of the day it is, I am all talked out at times. I would say I am sorry, only selfishly I am not. This whole what is happening to me is life changing, scary as shit, and a million other things rolled into one. So sometimes now you might just find me unavailable and I hope you understand.
I have to just admit it – I am a woman, these are my breasts and this is cancer. Wow, I always admired the women I met dealing with this – and I have seen a lot of survivors in one place since I have helped a photographer I know photograph the Butterfly Ball which is put on by Living Beyond Breast Cancer.
And now it’s me. And it’s just wow. Alice slipped down the rabbit hole, but I want the hell out of it ….one day at a time, I know.
I have the most amazing support, but some moments of every day I just have A.D.D. by breast cancer and can’t concentrate on anything else and it’s just ….wow…followed by saying “fuck”. I have said the F-bomb a lot in the past week.
So as much as I want to comfort all of you, this is happening to me, so realistically I don’t know that I can be that girl you are all used to right now. I don’t want you all to be in pain because I have this thing to deal with called breast cancer, but you will forgive me please? It is not that I don’t care, but the reality is I have to care about me right now and take care of me right now. If you don’t hear back from me right away, don’t assume I am in a crisis – check with another friend.
Most of you are pretty cool with that. And those notes an e-mails? They mean the world. Like one I received last night which is from someone who has known me quite well for a very long time – they said in part:
I am sorry after everything that there is yet another uninvited difficulty with which you now have to cope.
Life was supposed to get easier and I still hope that it will.
First things first, fight like hell.
And the dear friend who wrote this:
I know this must have been a shocking blow, but I know that you are one of the strongest women I have ever known and I think you are already finding a very meaningful way to work through the next necessary steps by writing about it. I am certain that will be of help not only to you but to many others who will eventually read your reflections.
A week later…a lot to take in. And some moments I don’t feel so strong ….I feel like the inside of a whoopie pie.
And now for the people trying to sell me shit. One word: REALLY?? As in do you really think it is helpful to tell me that I should be experiencing natural healing when I have a freaking pac man lump in my breast? That I am supposed to follow the regimen of some whack who seems to think breast cancer can be cured by iodine??? And for just pennies a day this miracle cure can be mine? And after this quack of a doctor freaks me out about how much it is going to cost me to fight this, all I have to do is take an iodine pill and allow someone to basically pull this tumor thing in my breast out of my ass?
O.K. deep breath. I want to think this person is trying to help and well, it is a man, and not all men get this. But jesusfuckingchrist, I believe in proper treatment and I really want to think this is a good egg not someone trying to sell me the emperor’s new clothes.
I am lucky to have some of the best doctors around seeing to my care, and truly a bunch of burning sage ain’t going to make it go away. Nor do I want it to. I am a realist. I want this shit out. GONE.
Wow what a ramble this morning.
Thanks for listening all. I have a life to lead here, so when I get to be too much of a pain in the ass, please tell me.
Love you guys!