Bin Laden might be dead today, and William and Kate might be married (and can we stop talking about it now please?) but cranky me has not had enough sleep and can only try to put one foot ahead of the other this morning and wait for my French Press to be ready….I could not sleep but a few hours last night…and as you all know in the middle of the night is when a busy brain is the worst.
I am told by my friends that I am one of the strongest women they know, but I just don’t feel like I am operating on all cylinders…most cylinders maybe, but I do feel different. Not symptomatic – that has been the hardest thing to accept about this because I feel fine. I also don’t feel brave nor strong…just me a little tired and definitely overwhelmed.
It’s just that God has a strange sense of humor. I am finally where I want to be with who I want to be with, so life should be better right? But the flip side of course is I could be beginning this journey in my previous relationship and I know two things for certain: he would have made it all about him and then bolted. And you, my friends, got me through that too, and well, I feel guilty to be burdening everyone yet again. I don’t even know how or when I will be able to repay the kindnesses and the love I feel is like a big blanket wrapping around me. But then again, as I had discovered before this diagnosis, that is what good relationships do. But for the lump I am a lucky woman.
But still, why this additional life test? And to put my family through this after everything everyone has been through? Why an additional dose of cruel?
But in the middle of the night, this is all worse. But a friend of mine who had thyroid cancer told me yesterday that this is all indeed normal in a world that feels a little tilted to one side. She told me that you have to go there in your head to come out the other side. Given the way my brain works, she might be right.
I want to be positive 24/7 but guys, being a cheerleader is exhausting. I feel better emotionally this morning then I did in the middle of the night, but I am tired.
This is all so much to process. This is one of those situations where I wish I did not have the big girl pants, but was still a little girl.
But then I think about all the amazing women who have gone through this – Julia Child, Shirley Temple Black, Christina Applegate, Melissa Ethridge, Mariann Faithfull, Nancy Reagan, Peggy Fleming, Betty Ford, Edie Falco,Dame Maggie Smith.
And yes there is a freaky Wikipedia page devoted to this.
Oh my, even writing about this I might drive you all crazy as I go through this.
Truly, I am sorry, but I am a talker and I am a writer, and right or wrong, I do not know how else to do this.
Please bear with me, apparently I truly am a work in progress.
I mean shit, I have breast cancer. What a damn confounding and irritating concept that is.
Life must and does go on….and so it shall. But I am a little cranky about all of this.
Prognosis for the day is o.k. – truly