think twice before preaching pink to a survivor during october.

There are things I find unnecessary in this rah-rah month of Pinktober.  Take for example the photo floating around on Facebook (above).

What will liking this photo do for breast cancer?  What will liking this photo do for breast cancer survivors?

When I asked these questions, I got back the following comments:

(from a man): it illustrates the power of not hiding behind illness but standing up and saying “you tried but i won”. certain times brazenness such as the woman in this picture is exactly whats needed to wake people up to things

(from a woman) it shows that women are still beautiful even without their breasts

There are other comments, but  I chose those two.  I am sorry, but as a survivor, I do not personally need to be “woken up to things”.  I am a survivor and proud of my lop-sided self and I don’t need to be shown dark photos of the super scarred to do so. I mean what is the other thought here? That because I am not that scarred physically from breast cancer I should feel guilty? Each woman’s cancer is different.  Each surgery is different.

That photo above is not beautiful.  It is dark and disturbing to me. The bars on the windows behind the woman look like jail.  So she doesn’t look like a proud survivor to me, she looks like she is in prison. And how you interpret prison could be in all sorts of ways – mental, physical, psychological.

It is only October 10th and seriously this month of pink hyper overload is driving me bat shit.

I am not the only survivor seeing red over pink.  Check out The Pink Underbelly.

I am a woman who survived.  I did it positively for the most part and on my own darn terms. I do not need to be hit in the face day in and day out with horrible jagged images of horrible jagged scars throughout the month of October.  I am trying to be positive, not being forced to face every other woman’s scars (no offense intended to my fellow survivors.)

Survivors are beautiful just for surviving, they don’t need to show their scars to prove their self-worth. Just like we don’t have to purchase pink garbage so manufacturers can make a bump in certain profit margins during October that no breast cancer charities will ever see. 

Yes, I am a survivor and if I have to post every single day of October that Pinktober is OBNOXIOUS, I will.

So here y’all go out there.  Want to see a boob shot for pinktober? Here’s mine from this time last year. Is it beautiful? I don’t know.  It’s just a slightly arty photo of a breast and a scar.  But it isn’t dark and disturbing. And since I was kind enough to flash all of you, please consider a small donation to www.breastcancer.org in the name of ihavebreastcancerblog. Celebrate LIFE people, not scars.

Now I will leave you with an oldie but goodie from the Police.  Perfect song for Pinktober:

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acting one’s age

As a breast cancer survivor, I have this heightened awareness of the effect of chemicals and toxins on the body.  It has also made me think about cosmetic surgery, because quite frankly I was barely out of surgery and women were telling me what I could  get “fixed” in addition to my now lopsided breasts. This evening on television I looked at Marie Osmond and her body of “work” and I couldn’t help but wonder why.  She was always a beautiful woman, but now she looks a wee bit pulled too tight and a lil’ frozen. I kept thinking if Ramona Singer of the Real Housewives of NYC got run over by a bus (or another housewife) she could step into the odd face category on the show.

I have pretty much decided I am not going for any Hagatha the Horrible award, but how I am going to age is how I am going to age. I am not going to try to look 25 when I hit the big 5-0 is what I am saying.  I am not going to be dumpy frumpy, I am going to be me…maybe with some wrinkles and some gray hair.

Yes, that means being really boring as far as some are concerned and doing things like using the crystal and Tom’s natural deodorant vs. smelly wonderful antiperspirants.

I am beginning to sound like my own mini campaign for safe cosmetics – but seriously?  There is a website called the Campaign for Safe Cosmetics. Check it out.

Sweet Jesus I am beginning to become like that Adam Ant song – Good Two Shoes (don’t drink, don’t smoke what do you do?)

And yes, I was never a big drinker before the big C, and I definitely watch it now because even one lowly glass of white wine causes hot flashes and the Tamoxifen is bad enough all by itself – so there is that risk/reward thing. No more occasional ciggies, either.   (Yes, really.)

But after a back and forth discussion with my sweet man, you can count on the fact I will never be a Botox or Juviderm queen, and I have kind of sort of decided that if my hair wants to eventually turn grey or white than that is what is going to happen.

My hair is only threaded with grey and I was using semi-permanent color every couple/few months and then I thought if I am scouring shampoo labels and deodorant labels I might as well think about the hair color of all.   And I know some women only slightly older than I whose grey/white hair is simply beautiful and they don’t look old.  My sweet man said he would rather have that then color out of a box because it was natural. Same with lopsided versus perfect plastic breasts.  (Yes he is pretty awesome and supportive.)

So we shall see if I can do this.  Hair is kind of  a vanity thing with me.  The lop-sided breasts don’t bother me so much. Kind of a badge of honor.

In other news, is it November yet?  The pink of it all continues to make me nauseous.  And I am trying to be patient when non-survivors want to tell me about breast cancer….sigh….been there, done that, have got the t-shirt.

In that vein, let us discuss what “pink washing” is:

Pink Washing:

Pinkwashing: A term used to describe companies that position themselves as leaders in the fight against breast cancer while engaging in practices that may be contributing to rising rates of the disease.

We’ve all seen the beauty products dressed up with pink ribbons and cute promotions. Unfortunately, many of these same corporations continue to use chemicals that are linked to cancer.

The Campaign for Safe Cosmetics has repeatedly asked Avon, Revlon and Estee Lauder – the three largest users of the pink ribbon in the cosmetics industry – to sign the Compact for Safe Cosmetics, a pledge to remove chemicals linked to cancer, birth defects, learning disabilities and other harmful health impacts from their products.  The companies have been unwilling to make this public commitment to eliminate carcinogens and other chemicals of concern from their products.

If they are serious about being champions for women’s health, the pink-ribbon ringleaders must stop buying carcinogens and other harmful chemicals from the chemical companies.

Just sign me irreverently yours and graying ever so slightly.

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and now a word from our suddenly pink sponsors

Ah yes October 1.

The beginning of breast cancer awareness month, the month where all survivors and people going through treatment are hit with a visual and verbal reminder every minute of every day about cancer.

I understand that the medical and nonprofit professions want heightened awareness regarding the disease breast cancer, but being hit with it in the face every single day combined with the onslaught of everyday  products that suddenly turned pink and let us not forget the ubiquitous pink crappy bracelets, it’s just sensory overload.

I am wearing a pink t-shirt today.  Not because it is the start of breast cancer awareness month, but because it looks cute with the rest of the outfit I am wearing.

I have worked really hard since my diagnosis, and some days quite frankly it’s a struggle to stay positive. Being barraged with a month-long rapid-fire onslaught of all things breast cancer, isn’t necessarily a positive thing in my opinion.

And truly, what will it also mean?  It means you will see celebrity survivors all month-long,  versus real women dealing with the every day of this disease good and bad.

Thus far the only celebrity who has had breast cancer that I have seen handle it all with reality and grace (plus self-deprecating humor actual survivors can relate to is actress Kathy Bates.  Yet who do I see first thing this morning? The bobble headed Giuliana Rancic.  And of course she is launching what else…a line of garbage we don’t need to own for Loft called….what else? “Live in Pink”  (I read about this in The NY Daily News .)

Ok so people will undoubtedly be reading this and say I am being unnecessarily harsh, but look at the fine print on these must have items for October as the world temporarily turns Pepto Bismol pink – look and see HOW much money is actually being donated to breast cancer charities and breast cancer research.

In Giuliana Rancic’s case it is 25%.  As a matter of fact you see that a lot.  Just check out the NY Daily News article today –  they urge women everywhere to:

“Shop for a cause today and all month-long with our guide to stylish and charitable pink products that benefit organizations dedicated to fighting the disease.”

You know what I urge?  If you feel it in your bones to donate to breast cancer research, or a charity that helps women pay for treatment, helps them get through emotionally and physically, by all means donate.  Check the charity you are considering out with Guide Star and your state’s charity office and donate DIRECTLY.  Donating directly means the charity gets 100% of  your donation.

When you buy whipped up pink products, only a portion goes to the charity, and if you read all the fine print you will also see that if you wait and buy a pink product when it goes on sale, the deal with the manufacturer is they only donate when the item is full-price.

I am sorry, I just don’t like it when people try to commercially capitalize on the disease called breast cancer.  And one other thing, people who have never had breast cancer? Unless you are a medical professional in the field or a family member who has had someone close with the disease, please don’t tell people who have or have had the disease you understand how they feel.  Truly, not to be mean, you do not.

Now, below are  three charities I think are worth donating directly to.  I am not being compensated by them in any way, shape, or form.  I point them out because they are a better alternative than just donating to monster charities like Komen. And to them your gift will mean more than it will to a manufacturer when you buy a piece of pink plastic, or a pink box of crackers or whatever.

BreastCancer.org

Save 2nd Base / Kelly Rooney Foundation

Living Beyond Breast Cancer

None of you even asked what October means to me, even as a survivor?  Simple.  Pumpkins.  Pumpkins are happy and fun. Please don’t paint any pink.

And a final word about breast cancer charities today- and this is for new survivors.  Don’t be guilted into attending expensive non-profit events you can’t afford post breast cancer.   Pay down your bills first.  Charity always begins at home.

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catching up

Hi there.  It has been a while since I really did an update. So I thought I would drink my morning cup of coffee and get to.  Mind you, I will get to in a minute after my morning hot flash (hot flashes don’t like coffee or wine in case you were wondering – so I am somewhat of a boring Puritan watching all intake these days. I don’t care about the wine so much, but the whole hot flashes with coffee is a drag – I am a coffee fanatic.)

Life in the post BC world marches on.  The farther away I get from my surgery and treatment I get, the more like a slowly fading bad dream not to be repeated (hopefully) it becomes. Nothing full-time in the job front so it is dribs and drabs and part too cool to be a desperate housewife (plus I don’t have any botox and never had a traditional boob job LOL).

As I sit and watch the rain fall, I think about the blessings in my life.  And they are many.

I just had another round of mammograms and I am clean and clear.  And I made the radiologist smile the last time.  Dr. DuPont should smile more often, he has a nice one.  I attribute part of my success to the superstitious of it all and I got the exact same team to do all the fun stuff as the last round of ultrasounds and mammograms.

What else?

Oh yes, fell down the steps a few weeks ago and sprained my ankle.  That was darn annoying and I am *just* finally starting not to hobble.  Then I got a cold.  from my sweet man and we passed that back and forth for a couple of weeks – ain’t love grand? Well truthfully, it is.  He is amazing and I just love him.

And oh yes, my stepson in training turned the big 13.  There was cake and go carts (in reverse order).   He’s teen awesome all in all, so no complaints.

I have quite a few professional bylines under my belt now, so that part of my bucket list is moving along nicely.  And I am working on a photography book of Chester County, PA.

It also is another milestone – it has been a little over a year since I finished radiation.  On the boob front, it has seemingly pretty much settled and the skin still is more dry than the right boob which was unmolested .

A little shout out to my pal Linda Dubin Garfield as next week, the 4th of October I believe is her last radiation.  She is almost ready to ring the heck out of that bell at Lankenau!!!  Linda has a breast cancer blog too.

I will admit I left her a small chide on a recent post.  Her radiated breast is apparently reached the raw meat stage.  You get there at the end of radiation.  However, my pal made it slightly worse for herself by not following Dr. Weisss’s skin care instructions/regimen.  Marisa Weiss was my radiation oncologist too, and I listened to her and it made all the difference.  Lordy I whined enough following her instructions, but I know that she told me what to do and how to do it and when to do it for a reason, which quite frankly is partially why I recovered from radiation so nicely. And relatively quickly.

Now onto other things.  I have two breast cancer projects I owe a little video to Victoria at Surviving Beautifully, and apparently I owe my darling Nicki an essay for a book of short stories about breast cancer survivors.  I need to stop procrastinating.

I have to tell you while the hot flashes are more under control than they were, the sleep thing is still often fleeting.   Chemically induced menopause sucks. Sometimes I am just so tired, I don’t feel like doing anything.

And I also have to be honest I am battling some post breast cancer negative body issues right now.  Some of it is emotional thanks to the lovely drug Tamoxifen. This all comes and goes.  But mostly it goes, which is good.  It is just hard to look in the mirror some days and see a 48-year-old woman.  Where did all the years go ???

And I have been toying with something which will horrify a lot of women.  I think I really might stop coloring my hair.

But here it is:  post breast cancer I rethought a lot of things like dumping regular deodorants and antiperspirants to keep the parabens, aluminum chlorohydrate, and other chemicals away.  I use at my friends Stephanie and Barb’s suggestion a combination of Tom’s Natural deodorant (the one with lemon grass) and the Crystal if you are interested and they are right, it is not so bad.

I basically now look for products with less chemicals and parabens whenever I can.  Shampoo is one I have a hard time with.  And   hair color.  Now I am neither super grey or super white underneath it all, my hair is basically threaded here and there.  I have also never used permanent hair color.  And almost five months ago I stopped using hair color altogether.  I am toying with making that a permanent solution.

Hair color is a vanity thing, right?  Well, hell, I had part of a breast lopped off and except for some days when Tamoxifen is turning my emotions into the Moody Blues, so how is this realistically so bad?  Any thoughts? Would it be so bad if women got back to aging naturally?  Would that make aging more graceful?

So. I have passed my 1 year anniversary of having radiation.  I am fast approaching the 1 year Tamoxifen anniversary (with 4 more years to go unless I get switched part-way through to aromatese inhibitors). I am adjusting more and more to my new surroundings since I moved —I have to admit that emotionally, it is sometimes still a little hard because although my girlfriends are less than an hour away, they still aren’t around the corner any longer or a couple blocks away and it does make a difference.  And there are some people that truthfully, if I did not see them, they would not see me.  I know I did not move to Iowa, but to some of my friends I might as well have…..

But all in all, life is good. Really good.  Even if some days I am a cranky and tired Tamoxifen popping breast cancer survivor.

My final word? The month of endless pink is arriving in a few days.  DO NOT BUY ME ANY PINK PLASTIC CRAP.  If you want to do something for me, make a donation to BreastCancer.org

There. I feel much better now.  Talk to you all soon! if you can’t find me here, visit my chestercountyramblings blog.  I even post recipes there.

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carla's avatarchestercountyramblings

I have this amazing friend named Michelle (she is the blonde on the right in the photo contained within this post – the brunette on the left is my friend Sherry).  She is one of my heroes.  She lives every day with Multiple sclerosis. She doesn’t whine about it, she just lives and is truly amazing and inspirational a woman.  For those of you who read my breast cancer blog, I have written about Michelle before here and here. Michelle writes about her journey with MS on her blog ms social.

She told us recently that she was pregnant and all of her friends are so happy for her as she will be an amazing mom.

However, right now she is in Pennsylvania  Hospital with severe preeclampsia.  She is in-patient for the next several weeks.

She sent me a note that she gave me permission to share…

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life’s little bucket lists


No, sky-diving I will never try.  But I had wanted to ride in a hot-air balloon.  And I did so the other day. (Click here for a little video of the take off).

My friends Teri and Barry DiLibero, who own this crazy cool experimental balloon shaped like an American flag called America One invited me for the special 9/11 ride.  They had  America One in the works being built one week after the attacks in 2001.  They tour all over the US with this balloon.

This balloon was one of several which went up to honor  first responders and commemorate the 9/11 terrorist attacks.  I wrote about 9/11 a few years ago, and you can read about it HERE.  Truthfully, 9/11 had significant meaning for me, not just because of what it was and all the people (including some I knew from college and days past working in NYC who perished) but because fate is a very strange mistress and in 1993 I was with a woman I worked with at the time on a trading desk in NYC named Deirdre, and we happened to exit the World Trade Center shopping concourse as the garage was blowing up.  Yes, the first attack.

Feb. 26, 1993. was the date of the first terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City. I worked in New York at that time at an office located downtown in the financial district.
Anyway, post-shopping we were back outside the Trade Center buildings, getting ready to cross the street, when suddenly the ground shook and moved. I remember that we were looking directly across the street at Century 21, a department store in Lower Manhattan.

Then something happened that rarely happens in New York: Everything went eerily still and quiet. We looked up at what we first thought were snowflakes beginning to float and fall from the sky. After all, it was February.

Then car alarms began to go off one by one like the cacophony of many distorted church bells. The snowflakes, we soon discovered, were in reality ashes.  We had no idea what was going on, people started screaming, sound erupted once more, and we returned to our office at 44 Wall Street and found out what had happened.

So on 9/11, I knew what was going on once the news broke: they had come back.  Now of course, this 9/11 there were attacks on US embassies in Cairo and Libya, and in Libya the ambassador was murdered and I think three aides. I  am so incredibly tired of Middle East conflict. Let them have their holy war on another people.

Of course I had no idea about what was going on overseas as I went up in a hot air balloon.

It was so incredibly moving as we lifted off to see this green field in Chester County, PA dotted with the blue uniform shirts of the nearly 100 first responders from multiple local volunteer fire companies who decided to show up for these balloons – mind you that wasn’t really part of the initial thing, but when all these fire and rescue personnel heard about the balloons going up on 9/11, they showed up.

So in addition to the emotions of 9/11, I also had the emotions of being a breast cancer survivor floating high above the earth.  As we glided, I could see for miles and miles.  It was a very soft feeling, and oddly freeing to soar like a bird for a little while.  It was very, very cool.

Maybe the balloon ride was my next zen moment post breast cancer, or maybe I just enjoyed it that much.  I don’t know.  What I do know, is I can cross it off my bucket list.

So I am still dealing with Tamoxifen and the hot flashes and lack of sleep, but some days are a lot better now.  So I guess my body is adjusting.  I have a mammogram again on Friday.  I wonder when I will stop being anxious about those?

In the news, actress Kathy Bates told the world she is recovering from a double mastectomy after a breast cancer diagnosis.  She had previously survived ovarian cancer.

As opposed to those celebrities/news talking heads like Giuliana Rancic and Andrea Mitchell, her style of letting everyone know was realistic, down to earth and had some very much appreciated by me slightly self-deprecating humor. She said (and I quote):

“I don’t miss my breasts as much as I miss Harry’s Law,” added the Emmy-nominated star of the TV legal series, which was cancelled earlier this
year.

She also did not pronounce herself “cured”, nor did she give the series of interviews on various shows doing the happy-perky-it’s-o.k. schtick.

Kathy Bates is a real woman, and handled the disclosure of her personal business beautifully.  And with dignity.  To her I say Brava for doing that and keeping it real.  I chose to be positive and get through my breast cancer, but that being said the fake chirpiness from celebrity types over this is slightly nauseating.

I have a few hundred photos to sift through from my balloon ride, if you all would like, I will post a set link when I am through.  Life marches on with my sweet man, I have a few more professional bylines under my belt for little pieces I have written, and I am in a cookbook being released in October by Epricurious.com.

So all in all, how crazy is it at the end of the day that in a sense, having breast cancer was a very positive life altering experience?  Maybe my thought process is skewed, but I think becoming a survivor freed me in a way, so I could live a better, more fullfilling life.  It also has made me more comfortable in general with who I am, and less apologetic.

Surviving is a really big deal.  And I am continually proud of myself for facing the reality of my disease and living through to a better place.

Call me crazy, I think the balloon ride was as significant as it was symbolic.  I think all breast cancer survivors should take one.

Over and out.

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carla's avatarchestercountyramblings

I will admit to still being up in the clouds after yesterday’s hot air balloon ride.  It was such an amazing experience.  As a breast cancer survivor, like many others, I have a bucket list.  I had never been on a hot-air balloon, and while I would never sky-dive, this is something I wanted to do. So I can cross this off my list!!

I took hundreds of photos…including from the air….I am still sifting through most of them.

9/11 has a very significant resonance with Americans.  Like the assassination of President Kennedy or say, Martin Luther King, Jr. this will live in our memories and hearts forever.

Yesterday however, more Americans died on 9/11.  In fact, a total of four Americans died in Libya in an extremist attack.  Ambassador Chris Stevens and three other embassy staffers were brutally gunned down by a rocket attack on the car…

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when being negative is a good thing!

So….BRCA is back and I am NEGATIVE on BRCA1 and BRCA2 and the additional BART of it all!

YIPPEE!

Mind you I did do a little emergency room visit  yesterday…I fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle.

And then another positive occured to balance it ALL out- I have a recipe being featured in a cookbook from Epicurious.com out this fall!!! Yes indeedy.  I am in a grown up cookbook from an actual publisher.  You can pre-order the cookbook on Amazon and check out the description too.

And for what it is worth can we stop talking about Prince Harry of England’s ass? I am not anymore interested in seeing his ass than his granny’s and we all have one and know one or two so let’s just move on, shall we?

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bucket list, a reality

As I look around my living room, in my mind’s eye I still can see my old living room, albeit a little blurry now.  As I continue to settle into this new life of mine, you have to observe (or at least I think you do) how your old life fades slowly into the background and becomes a series of memories.

Life is about evolution.  Think about the stages of our lives from childhood to adulthood.  Evolution is about adapting and changing too.  Trying new things, setting new goals. Living dreams.  In my case, add surviving breast cancer.

Into my new life have come my family and most of my friends.  I have noticed some drop off because that happens when your life changes.  For some, I am sort of out of sight out of mind and that is o.k.  There are also people who have just dropped off and while most people are happy for me,   it’s also life that maybe some aren’t so happy.  That is not my responsibility, however.  My life has changed, and  I do have to think about me, what I want, and what being part of a family unit involves and means every day.  Like it or not, that changes somewhat the day to day dynamic.  To go from thinking about “me” to “we” is a way to sum it up.   Or you could just call it growing up and doing lots of laundry:<}

Breast cancer forced me to look at a lot of things.  It also made me face fears about myself.  Like driving.  Unless you are of my inner circle, you don’t know that I really did  not like to drive.  I still don’t love it, but I am doing more of it, and the fear is receding.

Breast cancer definitely forces you to look at all sorts of things. It  makes you look at your dreams, even the ones that seem unattainable and Walter Mittyish.  Surviving a bout of breast cancer made me want to transfer some of my dreams to a bucket list.  To make some of them a reality, versus a wish list.  Two of those things were my writing and photography.

The writing is happening.  I am doing freelance for The Philadelphia Inquirer’s online presence Philly.com/neighbors main line and other publications like Main Line Parent Magazine. (My latest Philly.com byline can be found here.) I still jump up and down when I see my byline it makes me so happy.  And people continue to respond positively to this blog and my chestercountyramblingsblog . But the writer not merely reader bylines in regional publications?  Such an amazing feeling of accomplishment.

And also the photography is happening.  I entered that I Love Classic Towns Photo Contest put on by the Delaware Valley Regional Planning Commission way back when, remember? Well tonight they announce the winners at a gallery opening at the Ambler Theatre in Ambler PA  .  So how cool is that to be part of a gallery opening?   I am so excited!  Follow the gallery show link   here and look for a black and white photo called “Window Soldiers” .  Another thing to check off the bucket list. (Today I also have an accidentally uncredited photo appearing in Main Line Today Magazine’s food blog The Main Course.)

In the breast cancer of it all, I still have heard nothing back yet about the BRCA test.

Anyway, that is all from the land of me.   And mind you, without the love and support of my sweet man, my bucket list items might still be wishes versus reality.   It is amazing what the right relationship does for your life, isn’t it?

Life is only a glass half empty if you allow it to be, right?

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pretty in pink

Sorry to use a pink metaphor, but think pretty in pink ladies!

We are not deformed, we are beautiful, we have survived.  I feel VERY *strongly* about this.

Umm hello? I am a proud owner of 1 6/8 boobs.  My left boob is less than perfect, but I am alive.  We all have days where we are uncomfortable in clothes, but as far as deformity, do-not-go-there!  It is what it is, and I would rather have less than perfect breasts than breast cancer!

Remember the beauty in survival.

Life is not a glass half empty proposition.  And for the record, God never gives you more than you can handle.

And yes, you have to go to the dark place occasionally to come out the other side, that is only human.

But look at the big picture and celebrate the fact you can get up in the morning.

Simple gifts and the magic of ordinary days.

Capice?

And in other boobalicious news, there has been a shake up at Susan G. Komen. President Liz Thompson will leave Komen next month and founder Nancy Brinker will give up the CEO role. Board members Brenda Lauderback and Linda Law are also apparently leaving.  Me thinks the fall out from the Planned Parenthood debacle was too much.  Whatever. I do not support Komen.  They are big pink plastic crap generating machine as far as I am concerned.  I prefer smaller charities like Living Beyond Breast Cancer and BreastCancer.org

Village Voice: Susan G. Komen for The Cure Resignations: Do They Matter?

By Victoria BekiempisThu., Aug. 9 2012 at 2:32 PM

Washington Post: Susan G. Komen for the Cure president leaving, founder moving into new role in latest shakeup

By Associated Press, Published: August 8 | Updated: Thursday, August 9, 7:52 AM

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