I belong to one breast cancer group. Sometimes I can’t visit it online because there are posts that upset me. These are the posts of the people who just arbitrarily without a doctor’s approval or disapproval.

Then there are the posts of people who see cancer as some sort of a warped competition, as in their cancer is more important, more difficult, and bizarrely better than your cancer.

Yes it always garners a big WTF from me. This morning it pissed me off.

There was a discussion on Tamoxifen based on some new research that runs contrary to the five year and ten year schedules of taking the drug. So naturally there are discussions from women like myself who are on it. some have side effects, others do not. Then we have women who haven’t started it who are terrified, terrifed of something they have NOT yet taken.

Ok all of you who are “too afraid” of the side effects of tamoxifen seriously? You are a long time dead. Yes after five years (headed to 10) there are side effects of joint pain, sometimes feeling blah tired and depressed or moody and weight gain for me. I hate that, I hate looking at myself in the mirror but if it means I so drastically REDUCE the chance of recurrence, and well ladies, I suck it up.  I am afraid of dying more at the end of the day.

I am terrified of recurrence and… well… all freaking drugs have side effects. And Tamoxifen as per my doctors for me has the potential for fewer than aromatase inhibitors. I love my breast cancer group but sometimes I stay away because of posts like this.

I went to visit this morning because my five year post breast cancer mammogram is coming up soon, and well, I am not just apprehensive, I am truthfully scared. I have never ever at any time even since diagnosis and treatment been truly scared. It’s not rational, yet it just is.

Cancer isn’t a competition for Christ’s sake. And sometime from other survivors you get this sense of unworthiness, like each of us with our individual cancers have not suffered enough for them to find our feelings credible.

STFU already.

Jesus. Way to go ladies, just invalidate how everyone else feels why don’t you?

You know what? That’s on these women. I can’t help their anger like my drug side effects are less worthy than theirs  all because my cancer has the dumb luck of MAYBE having a lesser recurrence rate than theirs. THAT is offensive to ME. And I do not roll up in my breast cancer group very often mentioning my side effects.

Do breast cancer drugs affect quality of life?

Yes they do.

And these women really should shut their mouths about what kind of surgeries people have had. Every surgery is different, every cancer is different.

So with all due respect, they might want to think about what THEY say with all their discussion of “respect”. I guess in their eyes  since I only had a lumpectomy or partial mastectomy I am not as much of a woman as others who had more flesh taken?

The reality of this is women who spout nonsense like this at other survivors aren’t really interested in what others have to say. They only want to be heard.  In my opinion that is as lopsided as my breasts are now. Usually I tune them out. Today I write about them.

I apologize for being so cranky but I recently pulled muscles in my back and shoulder and pain is still radiating down my butt. I have literally been in bed most of the week. Still in bed today and spent most of yesterday even in bed.

But even worse I had a bit of a scare on Tuesday. I felt like someone was sitting on my chest or diaphragm. So I went to a hospital run urgent care (makes a big difference) and they took me right in and two EKGs later- acid reflux disease and a potassium deficiency.

So now I have to take this protonix stuff for six weeks. After I had radiation my stomach started to get acid-y. Almost five years ago I started rads.

Anyway this all sent my BP thru the roof because well I admit it I am scared of the five year post breast cancer mammogram. It is on June 6th.

Sorry to be Debbie Downer stuff is just tugging at me. I hate feeling useless. Sitting still is hard. And still I am just so darn tired.

But I will get past this. Mostly just needed to vent. And I need to get the five year post diagnosis mammogram behind me. It’s got that same looming feeling final exams used to have at times.

Thanks for stopping by.