oh shut up, the cranky me chronicles

 I belong to one breast cancer group. Sometimes I can’t visit it online because there are posts that upset me. These are the posts of the people who just arbitrarily without a doctor’s approval or disapproval.

Then there are the posts of people who see cancer as some sort of a warped competition, as in their cancer is more important, more difficult, and bizarrely better than your cancer.

Yes it always garners a big WTF from me. This morning it pissed me off.

There was a discussion on Tamoxifen based on some new research that runs contrary to the five year and ten year schedules of taking the drug. So naturally there are discussions from women like myself who are on it. some have side effects, others do not. Then we have women who haven’t started it who are terrified, terrifed of something they have NOT yet taken.

Ok all of you who are “too afraid” of the side effects of tamoxifen seriously? You are a long time dead. Yes after five years (headed to 10) there are side effects of joint pain, sometimes feeling blah tired and depressed or moody and weight gain for me. I hate that, I hate looking at myself in the mirror but if it means I so drastically REDUCE the chance of recurrence, and well ladies, I suck it up.  I am afraid of dying more at the end of the day.

I am terrified of recurrence and… well… all freaking drugs have side effects. And Tamoxifen as per my doctors for me has the potential for fewer than aromatase inhibitors. I love my breast cancer group but sometimes I stay away because of posts like this.

I went to visit this morning because my five year post breast cancer mammogram is coming up soon, and well, I am not just apprehensive, I am truthfully scared. I have never ever at any time even since diagnosis and treatment been truly scared. It’s not rational, yet it just is.

 

IMG_5062 

Cancer isn’t a competition for Christ’s sake. And sometime from other survivors you get this sense of unworthiness, like each of us with our individual cancers have not suffered enough for them to find our feelings credible.

STFU already.

Jesus. Way to go ladies, just invalidate how everyone else feels why don’t you?

You know what? That’s on these women. I can’t help their anger like my drug side effects are less worthy than theirs  all because my cancer has the dumb luck of MAYBE having a lesser recurrence rate than theirs. THAT is offensive to ME. And I do not roll up in my breast cancer group very often mentioning my side effects.

Do breast cancer drugs affect quality of life?

Yes they do.

And these women really should shut their mouths about what kind of surgeries people have had. Every surgery is different, every cancer is different.

So with all due respect, they might want to think about what THEY say with all their discussion of “respect”. I guess in their eyes  since I only had a lumpectomy or partial mastectomy I am not as much of a woman as others who had more flesh taken?

The reality of this is women who spout nonsense like this at other survivors aren’t really interested in what others have to say. They only want to be heard.  In my opinion that is as lopsided as my breasts are now. Usually I tune them out. Today I write about them.

I apologize for being so cranky but I recently pulled muscles in my back and shoulder and pain is still radiating down my butt. I have literally been in bed most of the week. Still in bed today and spent most of yesterday even in bed.

But even worse I had a bit of a scare on Tuesday. I felt like someone was sitting on my chest or diaphragm. So I went to a hospital run urgent care (makes a big difference) and they took me right in and two EKGs later- acid reflux disease and a potassium deficiency.

So now I have to take this protonix stuff for six weeks. After I had radiation my stomach started to get acid-y. Almost five years ago I started rads.

Anyway this all sent my BP thru the roof because well I admit it I am scared of the five year post breast cancer mammogram. It is on June 6th.

Sorry to be Debbie Downer stuff is just tugging at me. I hate feeling useless. Sitting still is hard. And still I am just so darn tired.

But I will get past this. Mostly just needed to vent. And I need to get the five year post diagnosis mammogram behind me. It’s got that same looming feeling final exams used to have at times.

Thanks for stopping by.

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About carla

Writer, blogger, photographer, breast cancer survivor. I write about whatever strikes my fancy as I meander through life.
This entry was posted in breast cancer and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to oh shut up, the cranky me chronicles

  1. Nadia Hamer says:

    Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, even you, “Debbie Downer”…Some really cannot live with the side effects of some drugs they have to take, and their complaints (yes, even “moans”) are absolutely valid. For some, the effects simply do NOT justify the ends i.e. the possibility -and it IS only a possibility – of a few extra years cancer-free. It is, to them, stealing the present for the possibility of a future.

    Everyone should be respected for their own opinion and experience. And for you to try and explain and excuse your own grouchiness on your pulled muscle and shoulder pain – well why the hell should we excuse your moodiness when you refuse point-blank to do the very same (that you expect us to with you) with ladies who are in pain with their tamoxifen? One rule for all!…

    Of course I understand and forgive you your grumpiness. You are in pain. And you are not bloody alone.

    Please get well soon. (((((hugs)))))

    Xx xx xx

  2. Rita Redondo says:

    Praying all goes well for you.

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  3. Love ya Carla! I always have and you know that. I think the choice to take Tamoxifen or any other inhibitor is one’s choice. So long as people are informed and aware, it is their choice. I have read accounts of people experiencing recurrences while on Tamoxifen, so it is not a one size fits all. I am on Femara (since the hysterectomy) and have no side effects at all (thankfully) but prior the Tamoxifen was making me miserable (as was the Arimidex that we tried post hysterectomy), Same goes for men who have on Tamoxifen. It is far from easy. I understand people’s right to choose. What you and I may put up with may be the end of the line for someone else. We do not have to respect other people’s feelings…what does that mean really, but people get to have choices, and if they make informed choices, then so be it. I understand that people’s choices do not always reflect the latest medical outlooks, etc…. but it is up to the individual to pursue and persist. One thing I have learned has as a Grief Recovery Specialist is that you can not save e everyone. You can inform and give directions, but ultimately it is up to each of us to choose a path, and whatever we choose, there is no shame. We should reach out to people and help them and love them, but whatever they choose as a life path is up to them, not us.

  4. Pazlo says:

    Just a quick note to tell you someone is listening.
    There’s no way to put into words the wish for good fortune on your exam.

    Take care and keep in touch,

    Paz

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