This morning as I walked the dogs past my parents’ old house, a home we loved well, I was struck by the strange path life takes us on. I believe it is a true statement when people say God never gives you more than you can handle, and yet, I find myself ,more and more contemplative on the topic. I wonder is it bad form to look up at the sky and say “enough already” ?
I have come to the conclusion that if I have to get a mastectomy I will. I don’t want this coming back, I want this cancer out of my body so I can get on with life. Of course I wonder what that will mean for me in reality, as let’s face it, a woman’s self-body image can be a slippery slope of emotions can it not? But when I weigh the pros and cons, well, I can do without boobs or rebuild them. I can’t do without life.
I have always been a fairly practical person, and a woman’s breasts and hair don’t define her beauty, or shouldn’t, but when faced with the prospect of losing both, even for a while? Well vanity creeps in. It just does and it just is.
I find myself looking in the mirror and covering one breast, then the other, then both…and just wondering. I wonder what I will look like if I lose my hair. I wonder what ugly bras I will have to wear? How much will this hurt? Will the scars be really, really ugly? Will I not be attractive any longer? And then I return to being me and I say pretty much “f*ck it, I just want this shit out of my body so I can get on with my life.”
And yes, I am scared. This is scary. No doubt about it. But just because I am feeling a little scared about something that is a lot scary doesn’t mean I do not intend to fight like hell.
A friend of mine sent me a link to a website called Surviving Strong – the founder’s story is very moving. My friend, who is not a breast cancer survivor, said this woman inspires her daily. I can see why. I also read the story of Diane on Surviving Strong. Very moving. And I am still scared, though somewhat determined to get through this. Haven’t quite figured it all out yet, one day at a time.
On the Facebook wall of Living Beyond Breast Cancer today they ask the following:
How did your diagnosis restore your faith?
Hmmm. I did not know I had lost my faith. Have I? Has my faith been tested by this cancer diagnosis? Yes. But have I lost faith? No.
And so I will move on.
I will end this post with a quote that seems apropos and please keep telling me I can do this:
You must do the things you think you cannot do.