Last night I learned just how bad 3 a.m. was.  Truthfully, not sugar-coating it at all… I was a BIG BABY.   And yes I had a total meltdown.  I know I have to let the emotions flow, but I have to tell you again how 3 a.m. to 4:30 a.m. was not a whole hell of a lot of fun. 

A lot of tears were shed, but I feel calmer although exhausted this morning.   I guess I am not going to be so tough girl through out this, huh?

I kind of did it to myself, though.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I research the crap out of things to learn. Well yesterday I think I looked at waaaaaay too many things on breast cancer and specifically mastectomies and chemo. Instead of counting sheep last night I was counting angry red breasts – because all the diagrams are pretty much angry and red.

Yes I know I have to admit I am scared, and as one of my amazing female friends said to me this morning that people will just have to get used to me this way because being a strong woman doesn’t mean I have super powers…yet.

So would someone tell me how strong women get through this?  I mean realistically, I will get through this, but right now during some hours of the day, wow,  it is just plain overwhelming.

And then there are the female vanity issues.  You know – will I lose my hair? Just some or all of it and it will be like a free Brazilian wax or something?

Will I have a lumpectomy or a full lop?  Chemo? Radiation? Chemo and radiation?  Yes brain, calm down now.

I started a list on Amazon of books I want. It’s called The Pink List  – I hope no one is offended, but I have started this list quite deliberately of what I want to read because while most of you know and understand I have to get surgery and I know and understand and want surgery so this shit is out of my body so I can live the rest of my life, there are people, as well-intentioned as I know they are who are saying things like …”alternative medicine”.

 I am O.K. with alternative medicine and acupuncture and all that in conjunction with traditional cancer treatments, but just so we are all clear right now, I am not going the burning sage route as my SOLE course of treatment.   And we are not even truthfully having this conversation until I get the MRIs I talk with my surgeon who is an amazing woman and tops in her field, and probably until I have surgery.

I have grown things my whole life – a cyst here, a fibroid there.  I know damn well that every once in a while these things have to come out.  And trust me when I tell you the lump is coming out.

Am I having a hard time with the reality of lumpectomy/mastectomy? Hell yes.  Who wouldn’t?  As annoying as boobs can be at times they are our friends and who wants to lose a friend?

Have I told you how much I love all of you right now?  I do.  I am a lucky gal to have all of you.   And thank you to those I have not been able to speak to yet.  I am learning quickly that I get all talked out about this and sometimes I don’t want to talk at all….but you all seem to get that I truly appreciate it.

At the end of the day, I would much prefer this were happening to someone else – but it’s not, and that is a bitch.

Enough of a flowing stream of consciousness…the rest of my life can’t stop because of this.