You know you never want to be critical of people with cancer because we all handle it differently. It’s a disease with a very public face, that is a very private battle. It’s a battle that is painful emotionally and physically.

But I think I have a bit of a cancer manipulator in my life, although they’re really not in my life anymore. So this is reflection and observation.

Almost 20 years ago I became friends with a woman who I thought was wonderful. Older, strong, seemingly so independent. Her kids were grown and were my age and older.

I’m met her before I had my own breast cancer, and she was kind and upbeat when I was going through breast cancer.

The years went by and we actually became what I thought was close friends. To me she was kind of like a bonus mother. She seemed very cool and she got me. We all like people that get us. At the time, I didn’t pay attention to the fact that she had her life segmented and mostly we did not crossover.

But now I wonder did she get me or was I just convenient for a number of years for whatever reason?

Last year at some point, she was talking about her son’s daughter in law by marriage. She had a very aggressive breast cancer. She made some comment about how expensive breast cancer was and that her daughter-in-law would have to help her son. I literally said well she’s done well for herself in her career, of course she will help her child in anyway possible.

I only knew about the career because my then friend had said something. Mind you I can’t remember her daughter-in-law’s name half of the time, and I’m not saying that to be mean or rude or dismissive. It’s just the woman doesn’t mean anything to me. I guess we are close enough in age, but she’s not anybody I’ve ever met so the name doesn’t stick in my head.

That was taken as a large affront. I was told I was inappropriate. I remember the time I apologized and said I didn’t mean anything by it other than a comment which wasn’t derisive, it was kind of in my head the natural thing or order: a mother takes care of her child no matter how old the child gets, and that is bad to say?

So I just let it go. She’s older I had noticed her personality was changing as she was aging and I tried to be respectful. After that point, I think that was used as an excuse to start to carve me out of her life. It was also about that time that I wondered if she was sick. Because sometimes when we would have conversations, she grew very repetitive or she wasn’t quite tracking and this is somebody who is an extraordinarily bright human being.

But this all turned into eventual radio silence, including not picking up the phone when I called on Thanksgiving, so I sent a text and got almost an abrupt reply.

Now this is someone I’ve always known who can be almost capricious about her relationships if you’re looking at it as an outsider. But people deal with things differently. I figured I really didn’t know what was going on but out of respect for a friendship that had a longish duration I just sort of was quiet about it.

Then I find out from someone we know mutually somewhere in December that she was sick. That it was cancer and it was bad. And it was also a gynecological-related cancer.

That really resonated with me because I remembered when she told me when I first met her how she was no longer going to a gynecologist because why should she? She was old and not sexually active. Of course I remember when she told me this because it was one of those wince worthy things that you didn’t want to hear from your own mother, let alone an older friend.

So then I started hearing from other people who were all told by her not to tell me. And it wasn’t not to tell me because she didn’t want to upset me or she hadn’t told me yet. It was a control thing. It was a punishment. I’ve kind of seen her behave that way towards other people I just never experienced it.

So I you know, thank the people for telling me and said you know I’m not going to be talking about it because it’s not my story to tell. And that’s the truth. I want to be respectful of this woman’s timetable for telling anyone her news. 

Christmas came and went and so did New Year’s. Recently the phone rang, it was my friend except was she really a friend at this point I didn’t know what I was at this point other than discarded.

I let the call go to voicemail at first because I wanted to see what she said and then be able to decide if I want to call her back. Not being mean I just didn’t feel like being some kind of weird emotional punching bag and that was my initial reaction to getting a phone call after so much time.

And you have to understand that this was someone who for years was in my life almost daily. And while she was in my life for the most part, I enjoyed it. Because she was interesting and bright, and taught me stuff about gardening and other things. And she seemed to have such a generosity of spirit.

The message I was left was rather perfunctory and almost like we had never known each other. You’d have to hear the tone to understand and obviously I’m not going to share that.

I played the message for my husband, and he said well you should call her back. You know something is wrong. He said just rip the Band-Aid off. See how she is.

So I did. I called her back. It was like a three minute conversation first she tells me she has terminal cancer, then she tells me she’s getting a special grant like the pharmaceutical company did it just for her for some kind of immunotherapy. I just listened because I don’t understand hospital systems that throw lots of stuff at a diagnosis that’s already supposedly terminal? It seems almost cruel.

So about a minute and a half, and she decides to dig in to why she was no longer speaking to me. And it went back to that phone call all those months ago. Then she accused me of researching her family and invading her privacy. And I literally said “what?”

No, she was on speakerphone so my husband heard the whole conversation. After she says that, this great pronouncement I said to her, I didn’t do any such thing. And I hadn’t and then she hung up on me.

I could’ve called her back, but I just decided not to.

I said something she didn’t like that was not ill intended, and you know it was just another example of acting irrationally. I also didn’t call her back and I’m not going to because you don’t want to upset someone with a horrible cancer diagnosis. So I’m kind of grateful for the years of friendship and you know she’s taking her journey at the end where she wants to go.

But to me, that is not the end of the story. Since this time she’s been running around telling people about her diagnosis, including the town government , where she lives.

As the news has gotten out and people who know her watch who she’s told and how, it becomes a really sad story. This is a bid for attention. We all know that she’s been lonely, and with every year she’s aged, she’s spoken about well end of life stuff. 

But she’s using her cancer, so people pay attention to her. And to me that’s cancer manipulation. Just my opinion, and I am trying to show empathy and sympathy, but she’s leaving a discarded trail of people who have cared about her for years in her wake.

So she will live out whatever is left of her life, and I hope for her sake the treatment she’s putting herself through gives her viable time. But honestly, I’m just afraid it’s going to wear her out faster. But that’s her choice for her treatment. Of course, the funny thing is I remember having a conversation with her about cancer years ago and her saying if she got a bad diagnosis, she would never put herself through hard treatment.

She wants attention and the lime light and I hope she gets what she needs in this last stage of her life. I mean that most sincerely after she hung up on me, I did send her a letter telling her that I was sorry she had received this diagnosis, because I really am. But I did honestly tell her I didn’t do what she accused me of and that was unfair, but essentially I’m not going to continue to argue with her to change her mind because I don’t wanna upset her while she’s going through cancer treatment. I also said that if she wanted to talk or whatever she just had to let me know.

And that’s where I’m leaving it. You have to respect people’s boundaries when they’re going through cancer, and I am one of the lucky ones, but I do remember what it felt like when people didn’t respect my boundaries as I was going through my surgery and subsequent treatment.

People process things differently and that is just the way it is. I’m glad I knew her for so many years, but if I’m honest this person, I really don’t know.

Given the type of cancer, she has realistically she could just have a few months left. And I hope they go well for her.

But it is a little sad to watch someone manipulate people via a disease. And it makes me wonder if we all do that as we’re going through our cancer battles? Is that a mode of survival or self preservation?

It’s an interesting point to ponder.

But some people get very angry when they get these diagnoses, and they don’t let it out, and it comes out in other ways. Or there was a simmering anger you never realized in the person before and cancer rips a Band-Aid off.

I’m not sure if this is going to be a public post at this point or a private one. I have to think on it.

But I thought I should write about this because it’s like yet another stage in this twisted journey once you’ve gotten your own cancer diagnosis. there is how you react to your own disease, and how you react to someone else’s.

What’s that saying about people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime? This is just another season.